Sixers Bracket: Midwest Regional Stacked with Iverson, Iguodala, MacCulloch

thank god we get to post pictures of eddie jordan again. - Stephen Dunn

Loaded region.

With the NCAA Tournament either here or almost here (ARE THE PLAY-IN GAMES ACTUAL GAMES OR ARE THEY JUST FUNSIES), national attention has swung exclusively to brackets and things decided by brackets. It's all the rage. This is a tournament of a grab bag of the Most Sixers things in the last two decades. So much Sixers.

A few days ago, the Sixers East Region went to town on each other and Adam Aron's Twitter Account (an 11 seed!) emerged victorious over Matt Geiger (8), Intern GM (2), Eric Snow Falling Asleep While Announcing (12!), and the Future Considerations Received in the Kyrylo Fesenko Trade (15!). Doug Moe received no votes. Dave Rueter is actively pushing for The Moes to regroup and come back strong next year.

As a reminder, this is a joint collaboration of the extremely resistant Dave Rueter, the lawn chair lounging Tanner Steidel and the tyrannical Mike Levin. Tanner and Dave aren't even speaking after last night's Maryland beatdown of Niagara in the NIT. Dave had big money riding on the aptly-named Ameen Tanksley.

To the Midwest!

Screen_shot_2013-03-19_at_10
(clink to embiggles)

1. "Practice, man."
16. Andres Nocioni Starting an NBA Game Last Season

Years ago, we were concerned when a particular Sixers’ superstar, who always played hurt, didn’t practice. Nowadays, we’d asphyxiate ourselves if our superstar could practice. Or run. Or walk. Or just remain standing for a few moments.

Andres don’t like his Toastioni with butter, or cream cheese. He don’t use jelly, or, any of these. He uses vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaseline…vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaseline.

8. Keith Van Horn's High Socks
9. Todd MacCulloch's Pinball Career

I like to think that Keith Van Horn was always just doing a bad Lawrence Moten impression.

And now, for a ranking of my favorite complementary superstar (used very loosely) with Allen Iverson:

  1. Dikembe Mutombo
  2. Jerry Stackhouse (Rockin’ that jersey since ’95).
  3. Toni Kukoc
  4. Matt Harping

Last place (tie): Glenn Robinson, Chris Webber, Keith Van Horn, Brian Skinner.

MacCulloch had quick fingers and softer hands. Unparalleled radio color man, too. About as versatile a 6'11 Canadian guy as you'll find anywhere. Tom McGinnis still keeps a picture of Todd next to his microphone.

5. Sam Dalembert Goaltending
12. Donyell Marshall Being a 3PT Machine For Like a Minute

What's that coach? You want me to stop Andre's last-second three from going in? I'm a man of the people so like Cary Elwes said, as you wish. Truth is, I became completely disinterested in anything having to do with Sammy goaltending calls when I found this gem (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8gHwFQQwI0) of him attempting the cookie challenge.

Remember when the Sixers played the Magic in the playoffs? Yea you do. They were eliminated in game 6 when the Magic were without Dwight Howard? Hedo Turkoglu was somewhat relevant. It was the golden age of NBA basketball. Well anyway, in game one, rarely used and fat Donyell Marshall came in with the Sixers down in the 4th and quarter and hit, I do not exaggerate, at least 65 threes to bring them back to allow Andre Iguodala to hit the game-winner. It was a huge step in the right direction for the fat version of rapper lookalike's movement. THERE'S DOZENS OF US!

4. Top 10 Speezy Naps
13. Marc Jackson Yelling on Defense

With the 16th pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers select Mo Speezy. Marreese had an interesting tenure with the Sixers, having shown flashes of some basketball upside potential. But it was Speezy's twitter that won the hearts of Philadelphia; the best going to a tweet that read "Top 10 nap". Our own Jordan Sams (post-Sixer Soul) caught up with Speezy and asked him about his naps and got the exact answer he figured he'd get. #FreeBoosie

Marc Jackson, proudest Owl this side of Aaron McKie and Kevin Lyde, had a penchant for screaming loud things. Zumoff and Mix had an awfully tough time announcing with the big fella wailing "SWITCH! SWITCH!" at everyone. But usually it just sounded like a dog barking until Coach O'Brien took Marc with a C out for Corliss Williamson or Kenny Thomas.

Now he says things of meandering import on Post-Game Live.

6. Andre Iguodala Stepback Jumpers
11. Devin Harris Halfcourt Buzzer Beater

"What should we run at the end of the game? Eh, shit I didn't know this was going to be a part of the test, Tony. I thought Adam's jubilation with his Nerd rope over on the moon bounce would take care of all the energy so we wouldn't need end-of-game sets. Ugh, fine. Dre just dribble around and take a step-back jumper from way out. I've got a mani/pedi in a bit so if you could please go ahead and brick this so I can go home, I'd appreciate it."

The refs are still looking at that Devin Harris buzzer beater in New Jersey. The packed Izod Center or wherever the hell they were playing that year has sold its 1,240,594 tray of BBQ nachos awaiting Bennet Salvatore's ruling. 1.8 seconds? I'm still not buying it. Unless this is like time on the island. Show me Sayid and I'll give it to ya, Dev.

3. Eddie Jordan's Braces
14. "Sip it, it's hot! Instant Korver!"

It's not nice to make fun of the way someone looks unless they go 27-55 with Andre Iguodala, Thaddeus Young, Elton Brand, Louis Williams, and Jrue Holiday. Nice headgear, EJ.

Kyle Korver catchphrases from Zumoff will never not be fantastic. Zu like the 3-ball. Zu do indeed.

7. Passionate. Intense. Proud.
10. Re-Signing Spencer Hawes.

A spin-off of Adam Aron's twitter account, the new ownership group came in with a new marketing ploy that they'd show during every commercial break of every…… single…… game. Maybe more appropriate would be "Knees. Mediocracy. Tank."

What if I told you that your starting Center could play like the biggest turd in the league for an entire playoff series getting obliterated by an aging Kevin Garnett, be one of the softest, furthest away playing big guys in the league, AND you could re-sign him to a multi-year deal just a month later? Is that something you might be interested in?

Set LIMBS to AUTOMATIC DETACH.


2. Andre Miller and Joe Smith Costing the Sixers Oden/Durant
15. The Rights to Ricky Sanchez

Guys, winning pointless games to build a winning attitude is most important. It's why it was very important to get Andre Miller and Joe Smith in the Allen Iverson trade so we'd be just good enough to miss out on the top draft picks. Yes we were well on our way to possibly landing Greg Oden or Kevin Durant but the draft isn't a guaranteed thing. If you root for your team to lose, you're not a true fan. We need those wins now.

The ghost of Ricky Sanchez continues to haunt the Sixers and those who surround them. Ever since they traded away his rights, the Sixers have seen a glimmer of hope in Andrew Bynum falter in front of their eyes. Even worse, they have to watch a collection of Spencer Hawes, Kwame Brown, Royal Ivey, and Damian Wilkens on the same roster. Get away, Ricky! RIIIICCCCKKKKYYYY!!!!! Step aside Chicago goat, this supplants you as the #1 curse in professional sports.

Looking forward to Sanchez's first year in the NBA in 2042.

***

Make your case below! @SixersCEOAdam waits patiently, getting into caps lock twitter arguments with a highly successful Ping Pong Ball company.

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