76ers Sunday Morning Shootaround: The America Edition

Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

In this edition of the Sunday Morning Shootaround, we tell you everything you need to know about Cheesecake Factory, issue a public service announcement, and express our love for the good ol' U.S. of A.

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This is a picture of Alan Major, head coach of the Charlotte 49ers and former assistant coach of the Ohio State Buckeyes. And this hairline is utterly unacceptable in every way imaginable.

On social media, people have joked that he is the father of LeBron James, and others have likened Major to one of the most popular movie characters of the '80s.

Apparently, this has been a thing for so long that a Twitter account was established back in November. But with the Charlotte 49ers being who the Charlotte 49ers are, no one paid any attention to it until the Atlantic 10 Tournament (national television has a tendency to help things like this go viral).

As TNT's "Inside the NBA" crew would say, Coach Major needs to "come on home" and just go completely with the bald head. But on his way home, he needs to make a brief stop and punch his barber right in the throat.

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I've never buckled in my take-out order like Lavoy Allen does here, but it makes perfect sense. The worst thing in the world is opening up your take-out bag at home only to find out that you got sauce all over the place (unless you intend to have hot sauce in your bag like Delonte West). I'm sure Lavoy came up with the idea after spending an inordinate amount of time on the bench in recent weeks.

For those of you who have never been to the Cheesecake Factory, it's not a bad spot. The menu is like 48 pages long, so if you can't find anything that sounds appealing, then you may need to re-evaluate your eating habits. One tip: Don't go during normal dinner hours - the wait can be up to three hours during peak times (it is the most popular chain restaurant in America, after all). And whenever you go, be sure to actually try the cheesecake. I know some of you are eating like rabbits so that you can fit into your bikinis or Speedos this summer, but not having the cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory is like going to Red Lobster and passing on the Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

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Oh... hello, Sixers' CEO Adam Aron! I'm glad you asked that question - we've been wondering the same thing over here at Liberty Ballers for quite some time now.

But let's be clear: We all know that the Sixers aren't on the same level as the Nets, Heat and/or Pacers. This is a mediocre team at best without He Who Shall Not Be Named, and injuries, inconsistency, and Doug Collins'... questionable rotations have made this a season that we'd all like to forget.

So let the following serve as a public service announcement of sorts: This team's performance over the past few games shouldn't count for all that much. As presently constituted, the Sixers simply can't compete in the Eastern Conference. I can't blame you for that: You tried to swing for the fences like Paste in Bases Loaded, and you came up empty. It happens. Just don't double down on your bet and bring back these same guys next year, 'cause it's not going to work.

BTW, if you could send a few of those Dr. J and AI bobbleheads over to Liberty Ballers, we'd appreciate it.

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If you don't know who this is, then you must be new to Liberty Ballers. And in that case... Welcome! We're glad that you took the time to visit today! Sit back and relax: We're all fans of a terrible team, so come and join us in our misery.

(BTW, we'd like to join the Sixers in wishing Nick Young, Jr. a very happy first birthday. For the record, Swaggy Jr. got as many minutes in last night's game as the man in the photo did.)

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Spencer [redacted] Hawes is an enigma wrapped in a conundrum stuffed in a 10-pound bag of WTF. He's a 7-foot center who is a pretty good passer, a fairly decent shooter for a man his size, and has the tools to be a solid rebounder if he puts his mind (and heart) to it.

All that said, his inconsistency is enough to drive a man crazy (and by "a man", I mean "everyone who has ever watched him play"). Two nights after working over Brook Lopez for 24/10/7, Hawes goes for just six points and five rebounds against Miami (a team that doesn't have a true center, mind you) and blows a crucial lay-up late in the game.

So it shouldn't have been a complete surprise that against one of the East's best centers last night (Roy Hibbert), Hawes puts up an 18/16/8/7 line, the likes of which hasn't been seen since Hakeem Olajuwon did it 25 years ago. Granted, Hawes was probably geeked up by Marco Rubio's speech at CPAC, but the highs and lows of his game are tough to comprehend.

One thing that he is consistent about is his love for America. And while he's not the biggest fan of the man in the Oval Office, that doesn't prevent him from wearing the Stars and Stripes, no matter how garish they may look on his body. These colors don't run... they set a screen and then roll to the baseline for an 18-foot jumper.

'Merica.

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