SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON - Chuck Cook
From the minds of an unwilling Dave Rueter, a dictatoresque Mike Levin, and a bemused Tanner Steidel.
By tomorrow's Selection Sunday, the internet is going to be ablaze with brackets and rankings and tournaments of things that nobody cares about. You'll find some of them amusing, some of them painful, and some of them pointless. This is all three.
Introducing a 64-Sixers tournathing in which you'll decide what is the Most Sixers thing of the last 20-or-so years. The rules are vague or non-existent. Consult the poll below for which Sixers-related competitor will advance to the Final Four from this regional. Here's the first regional.
And we'll kick it to the extremely resistant Dave Rueter for the matchup breakdowns!
Rueter Note: I have zero say in this. I mistakenly sent Mike and Tanner this, and fifteen minutes later I was ordered to write a blurb about Zendon Hamilton's ass? Mike Levin has lost his mind. LB is now a dictatorship. There was no selection committee. There was only Mike Levin: Drunk with power.
1. Rick Mahorn's Ass
16. Zendon Hamilton's Ass
Geesus, did Mahorn have a caboose. It was like trying to squeeze two of Placido Polanco's heads into a pair of Levi's.
So apparently Zendon Hamilton's ass made the field. Interesting. Was this an automatic bid? Did Zen's toosh knock off Kenny Payne's shin in the conference final?
9. Big Bertha
Matt Geiger is why people stopped getting barbed wire tattoos.
I had to google 'Big Bertha Sixers.' Ohhhh, the T-shirt gun. See, I like the concept, but what sizes are these t-shirts? If they're all XXXXL t-shirts like the Citizen's Seven during Phillies broadcasts, then Big Bertha needs to go. Now, I know Citizen's Bank is a financial institution by trade, but are they capable of making a t-shirt smaller than XXL? "Here, little Jimmy. I know you're only four, but put on this enormous Citizen's Bank t-shirt for the camera. You'll grow into it."
5. Derrick Coleman's Second Go-Round
12. Eric Snow falling asleep at the announce table
Remember the video game, Twisted Metal? You would pick Sweet Tooth, because you were chubbier in high school and had a craving for one of those WWF Bars. But your friend would always pick Mr. Grimm and just run circles around you. And by the time your cursed out your buddy, reversed, and turned your ice cream truck around, Mr. Grimm had already blasted you with a barrage of missiles and napalm bombs.
That was DC's second stint with the Sixers.
My list of favorite Sixers Color Announcers:
1. Steve Mix
2. Dr. Jack Ramsay
3. Malik Rose
4. Anyone who ever announced a Sixers game that I'm not aware of.
5. Bob Salmi
87) Eric Snow
I'm sorry, Eric. Did we wake you? I know the Sixers have been dreadful, but if I have to write a recap about a Sixers/Magic game in March, the least you can do is remain conscious.
4. Clarence Weatherspoon's Neck Creases
13. Corestates Center
‘Spoon: Half-man, half pug. Baby Barkley was so strong and compact - built like a paperweight. Lots of creases though.
What a terrible #13 seed. '98 Valparaiso, the Corestates Center is not. I once had really, really great seats at the Corestates Center (I think it was called the Corestates Center then) for a Sixers/Blazers game. Michael Cage was at the scorer's table, about to check in, and I screamed out, "Hey, Juice Man!"
6. Doug Moe
11. Adam Aron's Twitter Account
My friend, BK, and I totally bought into Doug Moe's up-tempo, three guard line-up. We were all in.
There are going to be three guards, BK! Not two, but three! Hornacek is gonna kill it in transition, baby!
The story was that an apathetic Doug Moe used to end practice early to go to the matinee with his wife. Where was Sixer Soul then? Jordan Sams would've been all over the Other Doug (OD).
"Doug ended practice early. Again. Tom Moore is reporting that Moe took his wife to see Sister Act."
Adam Aron's Twitter Account is only a #11 seed, huh? This is going to be a tough out. Aron's Twitter Account is a tour de force right now. AATA has the potential to bludgeon opponents with a series of exclamation points and optimism.
"Adam Aron's Twitter Account, are you worried that you're only a #11 seed?"
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!!!!! RT THIS FOR A CHANCE TO WIN TICKETS FOR MY FIRST ROUND MATCH-UP WITH DOUG MOE!!!!!!! #LETSGOSIXERS
14. Jordan Sams' pre-Liberty Ballers blog: "Sixer Soul"
A #3 seed for Hip-Hop? Twitter is up and arms over this #WeirdLBSixersTournament seeding. Big Shot supporters are pointing to his résumé and non-conference schedule and asking themselves, "What did we do wrong?"
"Sixer Soul" isn't just the best Sixers blog of all time. It's probably the best website of all time. I got LOST in Sixer Soul one summer. Between the strict tabs on Mo Cheeks's practice tendencies ("Coach Cheeks let practice out early today") and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air references, Jordan's first site transported me to a magical world I had never before dreamed.
Is this heaven?
"No, it's Sixer Soul, Dave."
7. Half a season of Bruce Bowen
10. The Flight Brothers
Bruce Bowen scored (59) points for the Sixers - just (37) more than Pepe Sanchez, A TRUE SIXER. Bowen was a dirty player. He used elbows, stepped on opponents' toes, pulled hair, eye gouged people. I'm surprised Bowen didn't team with Haku and get accompanied to the court by Bobby Heenan.
A #10 seed for The Flight Brothers? Levin obviously hates family and dunking. Iverson and Hughes alley ooped their way into our hearts over a decade ago - a simpler time - where the Sixers actually scored in transition every so often. And for the record, here is my list of favorite sets of brothers:
1) The Flight Brothers
2) The Malone Brothers: Karl and Jeff
3) The Grant Brothers: Harvey and Greg
4) The Graham Brothers: Greg and Scott
5) The Snow Brothers: Eric and Garth
2. Intern GM
15. The Future Considerations received in the Kyrylo Fesenko trade
The Intern GM was the bell of the ball last summer.
Wow, look at the new intern, isn't he great? He must go to a real fancy school. He just traded for Bynum. He signed Nick Young to a reasonable, one-year deal. All of this just for college credit.
The Intern GM didn't do anything other than listen to Spotify and send personal emails to his girlfriend. He had us all snowed.
Where are the Sixers' future considerations? What happened? Did Utah consider giving the Sixers something, and then was like, "Eh. Whatever. The Sixers will forget." Do we have this Fesenko trade in writing? We have like seven attorneys who read LB. Can we hire one of you pro-bono? J.P.? Dweeb? Nole's girl? We have rights, you know.
Utah University already gave us Andre Miller, who sabotaged the Sixers' future for the next half century. Haven't we've been punished enough? Just send us our considerations, Utah. Do the right thing.
Vote below! And don't be afraid to ask us why we wasted our time on this, what the point of this site is, if we really expect you to read this crap, and why Adam Aron's Twitter Account got jobbed by the Committee. We should be on with Clark Kellogg any moment now.
The next regional will be posted in a couple days or whenever I can pressure Dave to do it.
Who comes out of this regional?
1. Rick Mahorn's Ass (5 votes)
16. Zendon Hamilton's Ass (2 votes)
8. Geiger (6 votes)
9. Big Bertha (1 vote)
5. Derrick Coleman's Second Go-Round (2 votes)
12. Eric Snow Falling Asleep While Announcing (15 votes)
4. Clarence Weatherspoon Neck Creases (3 votes)
13. The CoreStates Center (1 vote)
6. Doug Moe (0 votes)
11. Adam Aron's Twitter Account (30 votes)
3. Hip-Hop (10 votes)
14. Jordan Sams' pre-LB blog "Sixer Soul" (6 votes)
7. Half a season of Bruce Bowen (2 votes)
10. The Flight Brothers (4 votes)
2. Intern GM (16 votes)
15. Future Considerations Received in Kyrylo Fesenko Trade (12 votes)
115 total votes