HINKIE: Well, it’s nice to talk with you again.
MOREY: Yeah, it really is.
HINKIE(MIND): Should I tell him I miss him?
MOREY: Uh, do you want to make a trade or something?
HINKIE(MIND): A trade. WOW!
HINKIE: Sure, that would be great!
HINKIE(MIND): Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that.
HINKIE: I mean...if you want to.
MOREY: Well, how about Hawes and a 1st round pick for Asik?
HINKIE(MIND): Hawes and a 1st round pick? Who does he think he is?
MOREY(MIND): Was that too much to ask for? No, it wasn’t. I’m Daryl Morey. Come on, I’m the guy who brought Harden and Howard together. I can do whatever I want.
HINKIE: Well, I don’t really want to trade any of our picks. How about Hawes straight up for Asik?
MOREY: I like Hawes but not enough to part with Asik without getting something else in return.
HINKIE: How about I throw in Lavoy Allen to sweeten the deal and maybe you can throw a 2nd round pick our way? And let me remind you that I did you a favor by taking Royce White off your hands during the summer.
MOREY(MIND): Lavoy Allen and we give up a 2nd round pick? Who does he think he is?
HINKIE(MIND): I’m Sam Hinkie. I traded fan favorite, Jrue Holiday on draft night. I can do anything I want.
MOREY: That really doesn’t do it for me. To be honest, I think we’re going to have trouble working out a deal since we’re both GM’s who can actually walk and chew gum at the same time. Maybe we should get a third team involved and put a weaker minded GM through the ringer?
HINKIE(MIND): What a great idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Is there a chance that another life form is actually smarter than me? Get it together, Hinkster! No one is smarter than you…no one!
HINKIE: Which GM did you have in mind?
MOREY: Well, my first thought is always Billy King but he doesn’t have anything left to trade after all his offseason screw-ups.
HINKIE: Yea, I can’t understand why he still has a job. Did you see how he screwed up that Iverson trade? He could have ended up with Durant that year. Some people just don’t know how to tank properly.
MOREY: Yea, Billy isn’t the brightest bulb. I think people keep hiring him cause he went to Duke so they think he’s smart.
HINKIE: What if we get Danny Ainge involved? I’d love to try to screw over someone in my division.
MOREY: Good idea, I like where your head is at. I’ll try to get him on the line right now.
AINGE: Hi, this is Danny Ainge, how can I help you?
MOREY: Danny boy, how’s it going?
AINGE: Oh, no, is this Daryl Morey?
MOREY: Yep, and guess who else is on the line? The one and only, Sam Hinkie.
AINGE(MIND): Damn it, this isn’t gonna end well for me. Be strong Danny. You can do this!
AINGE: Oh hey, Sam. How’s it going?
HINKIE: It’s going to be going a whole lot better after us three work out a trade right now.
AINGE(MIND): A trade? That’s what I was afraid of. Alright, stay calm.
AINGE: So what did you have in mind?
HINKIE: I’m just gonna get straight to the point. Your team is leading the division and is only a few pieces away from locking this thing up, which is fine by me because I’m in the business of losing right now and let me tell you, business is good.
MOREY: Danny, I’m sure you’ve heard that Asik is available and I know you could use an upgrade at the center position. I’m looking for a big you can stretch the floor and a wing defender. Sam is looking for draft picks, lots and lots of draft picks.
AINGE: Well we’re actually pretty content with our team right now so I think we’re going to have to pass.
AINGE(MIND): Yea, Danny. That’s how you stay strong. Show these two excel nerds how a real GM does it.
MOREY: Danny, I really think you should reconsider. This could be a great opportunity for (Hinkie jumps in and cuts Daryl off).
HINKIE: Now listen you little leprechaun loving cockroach. Let me tell you how this is gonna go. You’re going to trade me 2 first round picks and Vitor Faverani, you’re gonna send Courtney Lee to Houston and Daryl and I are going to be nice and let you have Asik. Daryl, I’ll send Hawes your way too. Now, Danny, before you respond, I want you to remember who you’re talking to. You may think I’m some nerd who sits behind a computer all day and analyzes every detail of every game. Well, you’re right but let me tell you what I else I do on that computer. I watch Steven Seagal movies so I’ve learned a few things about kicking another man’s ass. So please, test me, Danny. I would love for you to test me right now. I promise you, I’ll be at your office by the end of the day and you’re not going to like when you meet me in person. So do we have a deal or what?
AINGE: Sure, write up whatever proposal you want and I’ll sign it. Just don’t hurt me. (Danny hangs up and begins to cry uncontrollably)
HINKIE: Now that’s how you get a deal done!
MOREY: Wow, Sam. I’ve never seen that side of you.
HINKIE: Well, I’ve changed Daryl and the league better take notice. No longer will the Sixers be the laughing stock of the league, no longer will this franchise be a destination for washed up veterans, no longer will we linger in mediocrity. We are the future of this league! This is my world now, and you should just feel lucky that I’m letting you live in it. HINKIE OUT!