You've Got Sixers vol. 11: LB Email Thread Traverses Through Undefeated Chaos

MORE WHOP - Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

Welcome back to the triumphant return of No One Reads This!

It's been three months since we published one of these. With all you bandwagoners coming aboard for the multiplying fanbase of the 3-0 Philadelphia 76ers, it seems like the right time to remind you that 1) we're idiots, 2) Tanner writes here, and 3) anything goes in the email threads.

We started this email exchange before it became evident that the Sixers will never lose a game, so delightfully drift through the early obliviousness until you get to the realization that we're dealing with a juggernaut. It's sort of like Mad Men talking about cigarettes, only with more addictive qualities and much more MCW.

Dive in for sprawling conversation and unfollowable story threads.

LEVIN

So, the Sixers play basketball tonight. Those of you who weren't here for the Eddie Jordan era -- are you... prepared for this kind of torture?

FISCHER

This isn't going to be the Eddie Jordan era. We're not going to get demoralized by a lethargic Princeton offense. This team is going to run themselves dead and I can't wait.

O'CONNOR

The Eddie Jordan era was what convinced me to get into this blogging game in the first place. That's how bad that was. The difference between the teams is that his didn't care, and thus was so painstakingly hard to watch because players didn't try. This team is just going to fail on talent.

BAUMANN

You took the under, Lee-vin? Are you touched? Let's wager some feat of public humiliation on this.

STEIDEL

NO TOUCHING!

LEVIN

11 wins, baby. Including a win tonight. I think. I put $20 on it for funsies.

BAUMANN

That's insane. You're a thread to public health.

LEVIN

What's the wager?

BAUMANN

Nothing involving nudity. You don't win if you see me nekkid. Suggestions from the crowd?

GOWTON

Loser has to sleep on the #BauserCouch for one night and write a blog post (with photos) about the experience.

PAVORSKY

Loser must buy the other's ticket to the 14-15 LB meetup.

BAUMANN

I was going to sayt hat the loser would have to wear a Bynum jersey out around town and provide photographic evidence, but don't you already own one, Mike?

LEVIN

Yes. Like, what if Bynum plays tonight?

FISCHER

If Bynum plays tonight, I'm writing something about fans crying about it. Bynum was the best thing to happen to the Sixers. He brought Hinkie and ultimately two top 15 draft picks next June.

BAUMANN

If you trolled any harder, you'd be charging goats to cross a bridge.

(THE SIXERS BEAT THE HEAT)

LEVIN

YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

BURTON

WE WON, BITCHES.

LEVIN

$20 BET ON THE GODDAMN MONEY LINE.

FISCHER

Money, money, money... MONAY!

F.

....... And you blew ten of your newfound dollars thinking the Sixers are going to win the Atlantic Division.

LEVIN

Pays five thousand. FIVE THOUSAND.

BAUMANN

Yeah that's not good when betting trivial amounts of money on your team pays non-trivial amounts of money.

F.

It pays five thousand dollars that you will never see in your life. Even in the greatest of scenarios where the Sixers are better than Toronto and Boston, they are never overtaking Brooklyn and they are darn sure never over taking New York.

Also, I am a rationalist who does not gamble and by all accounts despises the very idea of "fun."

PAVORSKY

Had a friend bet me while the Sixers were up 19-0 that Miami would come back and win. Naturally I didn't take it. Stupid. STUPID.

STEIDEL

You're nothin until you put $500 on the Toronto Maple leafs money line and have never watched a hockey game in your life.

F.

Ouch. You bet $500 on a team advanced hockey stats despises. It's like betting on hockey's version of the Sixers, only in this case we are talking about the 2012-13 Doug Collins Sixers.

LEVIN

Justin is Johnny No-Fun up in here.

BURTON

Thanks, Justin. What next? Are you going to tell us that the Great Pumpkin is a myth, too?

FISCHER

What about the New Jersey Devil, Josh Harris? (See what I did there?)

F.

Nope. Instead I will tell you Santa Claus is not real.

STEIDEL

Personally I did not. But a buddy of mine did.... And won. Dave can attest to this.

O'CONNOR

Ricky Davis is in the D-League Draft. I have the feeling this is another rumored interest that Hinkie will leak just to troll Levin.

Speaking of which, how awesome is it that our general manager is not just reaching out to bloggers but also possibly actively trolling them?

PAVORSKY

Best player in the draft? Chief Kickingstallionsims. 7'1" Center, and in fact a real life person.

RUETER

I must have him.

PAVORSKY

Is being the first overall pick in the D League draft something to brag about, ever? Leaning hard no.

LEVIN

Roy's got the thread tonight AND there's a D-League Draft? Talk about a Friday night. Don't mess with my 1-0 record, Roy. It's hard carrying the whole team on my back.

BURTON

Ha! Let's not forget that I had the best W/L record last season...

(THE SIXERS BEAT THE WIZARDS)

F.

So about me making fun of your Vegas dealings, Mike............

LEVIN

*does the freddy mitchell belt*

(THE SIXERS BEAT THE BULLS)

LEVIN

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 3-0.

O'CONNOR

I'M GOING TO NEED A NEW THURSDAY POST IDEA YOU GUYS

LEVIN

More importantly, you kept up your end of the bargain. Sixers 3-0 thanks to me, Roy, and Sean. Baumann, we're counting on you.

O'CONNOR

I forgot this means that I'm not fired! Thanks Sixers!

F.

Are the Sixers seriously going to be way better than we projected? If so, what becomes of the 2014 Draft and landing one of the top talents in this year's draft?

LEVIN

WHO CARES POP BOTTLES

F.

I'm not saying I'm not popping bottles, just pointing out there is a very real, very tangible downside to these wins and wondering becomes of the Sixers draft pick if this continues.

FISCHER

It's all conditioning, brah. I'm telling ya.

PAVORSKY

Fired, Justin.

STEIDEL

Hey justin, this is my friend Fun. You should hang out sometime.

GOWTON

Can't believe no one has pointed out how the Sixers are 3-0 since John Mitchell has been taken off the Sixers beat.

F.

I'm not saying I'm not having fun, just trying to generate discussion.

FISCHER

Don't worry, Justin. I tried to use statistics to explain what the hell is going on. You're not the only one who isn't completely throwing logic out the window and partying.

F.

Someone in the LB comments section just reminded me that if the Sixers make the playoffs (LOL!), they forefit their own 1st round pick to the Miami Heat. Now that would not be good.

BAUMANN

This happened to the Blue Jackets last year, guys. They sucked and then Bobrovsky got hot and they missed the playoffs by like a point and now instead of like Seth Jones they got some schmuck who's never going to play.

I really hope Mitch McGary is going to be our franchise big man you guys.

BURTON

It doesn't matter because we have Nerlens Noel and everything is going to be OK. TURN UP.

STEIDEL

Turn down? But for what?

LEVIN

Not a bad first week, kids. I got some lovely texts from drunk, dancin' Rich Hofmann last night.

STEIDEL

Can we share with the rest of the class?

LEVIN

Mostly dickpics. richdickpicks.

HOFMANN

I feel like that was the kind of game that if you weren't watching in a bar, you should've been.

-----

The Sixers look to improve to 4-0 (/vomits out of joy) tonight at home against the Warriors. We'll continue posting these when we feel like it until SB Nation kicks us out.

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