Team Name: The Philadelphia 76ers of Philadelphia
Last Year's Record: 34-48
Key Losses: Jrue Holiday, Andrew Bynum, Dorell Wright, Nick Young, Doug Collins, @SixersCEOAdam
Key Additions: SAM HINKIE, Brett Brown, Nerlens Noel, Michael Carter-Williams, Tony Wroten, Royce White, James Anderson, Darius Morris, Tim Ohlbrecht
1. What significant moves were made during the offseason?
Let me stop you right there, question man. I'll only be tangentially answering these preview template questions because they apply to actual basketball teams with the intention of playing basketball this season. The Sixers do not qualify. You know this. I know this.
We're not talking about the Ricky Watters Corollary here -- we're dealing with a collection of human beings who have been rammed together Real World Atlanta style to lose as many games as possible. This season is a formality. An un-simulateable year of 2K14 that's only made better by the fact that it won't be Doug Collins' offensive futility we're suffering through. The formality ends next June.
While NBA experts and fans wring their hands about what the Sixers are doing, they'll happily fall into obscurity within their own city. Compared to last year's PR catastrophe parade, that's a dream.
Fine, the moves. The Collins Era ended in a blaze of ignorance and misfortune. Bynum went to Cleveland to be arthritic on Central Time. Sam Hinkie rode Shadowfax into town, flashed his deal, and dealt Jrue to New Orleans for Nerlens and a 2014 first rounder. Then he waited a few years to acquire a coach, all the while poaching first round castoffs from other teams who don't recycle. Brett Brown was finally the pick and the Mainer just finished his first training camp, where he coached what seems like 40 Sixers on non-guaranteed deals.
2. What are the team's biggest strengths?
Self-awareness. Whereas you have the punching bag Milwaukee Bucks maxing out Larry Sanders and feeling good about themselves boning townies behind the gym and taking their time enrolling in online fashion school, the Sixers are the self-effacing marching band leader who's eventually going to grow out that acne and develop a sense of style as they become their best selves at Dartmouth.
Also they're young as all hell and possessing some actual athletes.
3. What are the team's biggest weaknesses?
4. What are the goals for this team?
The goal isn't to lose games, but it's just (understandable) PR wiggling to say it's not going to happen. You don't go to the urinal with the intention of dripping some down your pants, but it'll happen. You can be sure the Sixers as dribbling piss and owning this season's intentions when the beats' Twitters aren't set to quote.
A nice round 15-67 seems doable.
5. What moves are left to be made?
Among Thaddeus Young, Evan Turner, and Spencer Hawes, you've got three role players of varying efficiency that could help themselves get the hell out of Tankadelphia with a strong start to the season. With Jrue gone, there will be counting stats up for grabs and somebody is going to Ricky Davis this situation.
I'd also expect the Sixers to take on some salary before the deadline, maybe moving Kwame Brown in the process to make the contracts match (WAIT BUT KWAME'S OUR FRIEND!) and scooping another pick in the process.
Preseason though, seems like the roster is what it is until camp competitions come to an end.
6. Who will be this year's Damien Wilkins?
Not Damien Wilkins, so that's a net win no matter what. Other candidates include a rushing-to-get-back-from-injury Jason Richardson and everybody's favorite morning margarita, Spencer Hawes.
7. Will this season be the best season?