Sixers In Treatment: Lavoy Allen

Rich Barnes - USA Today Images

Because Sixers fans aren't the only ones who need therapy.

The Sixers are a bad basketball team. But the players on said team are human, which means they're prone to getting sad when things aren't going their way. Should Doug Collins request for the team to seek psychiatric help, we feel like we have a good idea of how things would go.

In 2008, HBO bought an Israeli series called "BeTipul" and adapted it for American television as "In Treatment." Gabriel Byrne starred as psychologist Dr. Paul Weston who saw one patient every evening for five days a week. Each episode would detail his sessions with one of his patients. The series drew great acclaim from critics for its wonderful acting, tremendous dialogue, and especially difficult shooting schedule.

I've seen exactly zero episodes of this show.

PATIENT #1: Lavoy Allen

Weston: Take a seat.

Lavoy: I'll stand.

Weston writes something in his notepad.

Lavoy: What are you writing, man?

Weston: What? Oh, nothing. It's nothing. So tell me about yourself.

Lavoy: Normal guy. NBA player. Laid back. Chipotle fan. I got a son. He's awesome. I don't know what else to tell you.

Weston: What do you dream about?

Lavoy: What?

Weston: What do you dream about?

Lavoy: Lego people.

Weston: Like miniature lego pieces?

Lavoy: No, like, Lego people. I'm me and you're you, only in Lego. We can do all the stuff we normally do, except we're Lego so we can't hold onto things very well and it's hard to pee.

Weston: Do you like Legos?

Lavoy: Not really.

Weston: What's the connection between Legos and the Sixers?

Lavoy: I don't think there is one.

Weston: There must be. What about little circular bumps, does that sound like it relates to the Sixers?

Lavoy: I mean Kwame has a bunch of bumps on his body. There's a lot of pus in them.

Weston: Maybe something to do with blocks?

Lavoy: Do you watch the Sixers?

Weston: Of course not. You guys aren't very good.

Lavoy shrugs.

Weston: Do you feel responsible for that?

Lavoy: A little.

Weston: It says here you are almost 7-feet tall.

Lavoy begins fingering through a psychiatric book from Weston's shelf.

Lavoy: Hey what's this book about?

Weston: Yet you are worse on the defensive glass than Dorell Wright.

Lavoy: I don't know want to talk about rebounding, man. I don't want to talk about basketball.

Weston: Lavoy, we have to talk about basketball. What else would we talk about?

Lavoy: I don't know. Cooking?

Weston: Cooking?

Lavoy: I'm Chef Voyardee.

Weston: Listen. You clearly have a problem. Nobody just takes their twitter avatar from an ARWL photoshop without there being something seriously wrong with them. Otherwise I'd be in here talking to Toastioni and Dongaila. Open up to me.

Lavoy: Doc, I can't talk about it.

Weston: Why are you only averaging 5.2 rebounds per game? Why?

Lavoy: Has it been an hour yet?

Weston: Answer me.

Lavoy: You don't know what you're dealing with.

Weston: ANSWER ME. WHY?

Spencer Hawes knocks softly and peeks his head in.

Weston: GET THE HELL OUT SPENCER WE STILL HAVE THREE MINUTES!

Spencer: Alrighty.

Spencer retreats.

Weston: I'm trying to help you. Why, at 6'9, do you only average 5 rebounds per game as starting center?

Lavoy: Because... because...(SIGHS)... everyone's gonna find out anyway. I'm... allergic. To the basketball. And to other players. And to latex, although that's unrelated.

Lavoy finally collapses onto the couch. Weston is speechless.

Lavoy: It never used to happen until high school. Something about the gym at Pennsbury must've affected me. And now... I can play for a little but after a few minutes, I can't play hard. It just looks like I'm sluggish out there, like I'm not motivated, but what it really is.... (HE BEGINS TO CRY)... I've seen neurologists, gastroenterologists, ear-nose-and-throat doctors, you name it. I screwed up my date with Stacey Dash. She wanted to have sex because I mean look at me, but all we did was talk. I had it bad that night. I had it real bad.

Weston: That's enough for today.

Lavoy: Can we fix it?

Weston: Maybe. I'll need to do some research. Have you seen The Princess Bride?

Lavoy: Like once, awhile ago.

Weston: The part where Westley poisons the guy who plays Rex in Toy Story?

Lavoy: Ummmmm... I think so?

Weston: Anyway the idea is he built up an immunity to Iocane Powder so he could handle it.

Lavoy: You want me to build up an immunity to Iocane Powder.

Weston: No I want you to build up an immunity to basketballs.

Lavoy seems skeptical.

Weston: You're allergic to dried-out orange leather. Don't give me that face.

Lavoy: What face?

He gets up to leave.

Weston: Oh and Lavoy, please try to not jerk off tonight. You play better when you're backed up.

Lavoy: Yes, doctor.

Weston: Send Spencer in. Make sure he leaves his commemorative Ronald Reagan bobblehead in the waiting room. I can't look at that shit.

--

I know you're just waiting for the Nick Young one now. Gotta make you sweat it a little more.

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