USA TODAY Sports
The epic tale of a solitary hero attempting to atone for his sins.
Jruecules was beginning to wonder if he'd ever taste freedom again. Twelve years of servitude under the King Eusixthyus, he thought, and they could not be passing any more slowly. It was an unending slog through 20-foot jumpers and missed shots unrebounded, open lanes to the basket unused and inside shots uncontested.
(Note: Yeah, the Sixers lost to the Bucks 110-102 tonight, Ersan Ilyasova went nuts, Evan Turner played a lot, Nick Young dunked and Jrue Holiday didn't shoot very well. Jruecules did actually have 12 assists tonight, and this game was quite a laborious process to watch.)
But progress was progress, slow as it was, Jruecules told himself. He trudged through the mountains in the bitter cold for hours, but at last he beheld the sight he had longed to see.
Nick Young: Hey, man, how's it going?
Jruecules: Pretty bad. I went crazy and...well, I didn't murder the season, but now I've got to do these 12 labors.
Nick Young: Oh yeah? How's it going so far?
Jruecules: Slow, but I'm getting there. Here, I've got a list. You wanna see?
Nick Young took the list and read:
Slay the Nemean Lion.
- Slay the Hydra.
- Capture the golden hind of Artemis.
- Capture the Erymanthian Boar.
Clean the Augean Stables in a single day.
- Slay the Stymphalian Birds.
Capture the Cretan Bull.
- Steal the Mares of Diomedes.
- Steal the girdle of Hippolyta.
- Steal the Cattle of Geryon.
- Steal the apples of the Hesperides.
- Capture Cerberus.
Nick Young: Wow, you are making progress, aren't you? So what's in the bag?
Jruecules: Joakim Noah.
Nick Young: Really?
Jruecules: Yeah, it said "Capture the cretin Bull," didn't it?
Nick Young: (shaking his head) No, Jruecules...I'm not sure that's what they meant. Anyway, the stables thing sounds like a pain. How'd you pull that off?
Jruecules: Oh, I went to Milwaukee and got crapped on all night. Just coming back now. Say, you think you could help me with any of these?
Nick Young: No. 9 looks like it's about stealing a woman's underpants, right?
Nick Young: (reaches into pocket, produces woman's underpants) Here you go. Something about me just seems to get women out of their underpants.
Jruecules: How'd you get those?
Nick Young: Swag, man.
Jruecules: Fair enough. (checks No. 9 off his list) So I can't help but notice that you've been chained to this mountain. You stuck here?
Nick Young: Yep.
Jruecules: And...is that Royal Ivey biting you?
Nick Young: Yep.
Jruecules: How did that happen?
Nick Young: Well, I angered the gods, long story short.
Jruecules: Aw, come on, man, you should know better by now!
Nick Young: Yeah, I know, I know. But I couldn't help myself.
Jruecules: So what'd you do?
Nick Young: I drove to the net from the halfcourt offense. And I dunked the ball. And I got fouled...I stole the foul shots from the gods and gave them to the Sixers.
Jruecules: Oh no! You had to--
Nick Young: (waves his hands) I know, I know. So for attempting a field goal less than 15 feet from the basket, and then for Doug Collins had me chained to this rock for all eternity, and every day Royal Ivey comes and eats my liver, and every night, it grows back. That's the vengeance with which the gods greet those who take high-percentage shots.
Jruecules: That sounds bad.
Nick Young: It's...suboptimal. If I'm totally honest. Hey, Spencer!
Spencer Hawes: Hey, guys! You know, Nick, your situation seems oddly familiar. It reminds me rather of the plight of Prometheus.
Nick Young: (rolling his eyes) Yeah, doesn't it? I think that's where Doug got the idea.
Spencer Hawes: Prometheus was a Titan, you know.
Jruecules: Yes, we know.
Spencer Hawes: Hey, speaking of Titans, I heard somebody asked the guy who holds the world up for his opinion on something. He didn't really care. You want to know what happened then?
Jruecules: I know where you're going with this. Don't do it.
Nick Young: Yeah, we really don't want to know.
Spencer Hawes: (giggling to himself) Atlas Shrugged.
Nick Young: Go away. I'm chained to a rock for eternity and I have to have my liver eaten every day and you're the worst part of my life right now.
Spencer Hawes: Suit yourself. (exits)
Nick Young: Sometimes I really hate that guy, Jruecules.
Jruecules: You're telling me. Anyway, I'm sorry about you getting chained to the rock for all time, but I gotta run. Thanks for the women's underpants.
Nick Young: Anytime. Say, Jruecules, I love your jacket. It's swaggy as hell, man. Where'd you get it?
Jruecules: It's not a jacket. It's the skin of Matt McGloin.
Nick Young: What?
Jruecules: Yeah, man, task No. 1--"kill the Nittany Lion." I'm wearing his skin for protection now.
Nick Young: You know, I'm not sure you're really getting the point of these 12 labors, buddy.
Jruecules: What do you mean?
Nick Young: You know what? It's not important. What's up next?
Jruecules: No. 12 on the list, I think. Track down the three-headed monster that can be found at the gates of Hell.
Nick Young: The Miami Heat?
Jruecules: Yup. Wish me luck.
Nick Young: Good luck. And stay swaggy.