Less than a week ago, the Sixers altered the history of their franchise forever, by trading Andre Iguodala for Andrew Bynum. Everyone at Liberty Ballers loves the move. The media are talking about the Sixers again. And depressed Phillies and Flyers fans have come crawling back to basketball, like a former cheerleader, who packed on 50 pounds in college, and wants to get back together with the boy whose heart she broke at senior prom.
The move came out of nowhere. Literally. There were no rumors. There was no foreshadowing. The Sixers don't even have a working GM. Doug Collins was busy announcing the Olympics. Adam Aron was busy going HAM on Michael, on Twitter. And Rod Thorn may or may not still be alive.
Or so we thought.
Turns out, through countless hours of investigative journalism – and some illegal phone-tapping – I was able to find out exactly how Andrew Bynum to the Sixers transpired.
It was a Tuesday night at the Wells Fargo Center. There were only three people in the arena – Jed, the janitor, Kevin Ollie and Rod Thorn. The clock read 3:58 AM. Rod Thorn was on his 215th consecutive game of solitaire, before he fell asleep. He was also pant-less, for the record.
Shortly after, Thorn was abruptly awaken by the thought of Tom Moore bombarding his inbox with Sixers-related questions. Then, he decided to order some pizza. He quickly scrolled through his contacts, in the shadows of the East WFC Press Box. Candice, Candy, Brooke, Celia, Stacey, Chastity, Jennifer, Cindy, Caesar. Before dialing the number for Caesar, he briefly thought to himself, "That intern can't alphabetize contacts to save his life."
So begins, the story of the Pizza that saved the Sixers franchise.
Hennigan: Hey, this is Rob.
Thorn: I'll take two large pizzas and some breadsticks.
Hennigan: Who the hell is this? It's 4 AM.
Thorn: Two sausage pizzas, please.
Hennigan: I think you have the wrong number.
Thorn: Little Caesar?
Hennigan: This is Rob Hennigan, GM of the Orlando Magic.
Thorn: Penny Hardaway.
Hennigan: Who the hell is this, and how did you get my number?
Thorn: This is Rod Thorn, with the Sixers. I want pizza and I want Dwight Howard.
Hennigan: Thorn? I thought the Sixers fired you?
Thorn: They did.
Hennigan: Then why are you asking about Dwight Howard?
Thorn: Because I can't have pizza.
Hennigan: I was going to call the Lakers back in the morning.
Thorn: I'll give you Andre Iguodala for Dwight Howard. Make a decision, before I don't want Dwight no more.
Hennigan: I need Moe Harkless.
Thorn: How can you be Moe Harkless than Andre Iguodala?
Hennigan: I don't want Iguodala. I want Moe Harkless.
Thorn: Andre Iguodala is the Most Harkless guy we have.
Hennigan: No, I want Moe Harkless – the guy you drafted this year.
Hennigan: Moe Harkless, from St. John's.
Hennigan: You drafted him with the 15th pick.
Thorn: You mean Perry Jones the third?
Hennigan: No, I have the draft results right here – you drafted Moe Harkless at 15.
Thorn: I swear, I handed in Perry Jones.
Hennigan: So, your open to trading Harkless?
Thorn: No chance. Too much upside, that kid has.
Hennigan: But you just sa–
Thorn: I want pizza and I want Andrew Bynum.
Hennigan: Andrew Bynum is on the Lakers, Rod.
2 weeks later
Thorn: Honey, I swear, I had no idea there were going to be strippers.
Hennigan: This is Rob Hennigan, from the Orlando Magic. We spoke about two weeks ago.
Hennigan: Good news.
Hennigan: I pulled a few strings, and I was able to assemble a four-team trade, where you aquire Andrew Bynum.
Hennigan: Jason Richardson.
Hennigan: A million dollar gift certificate to Little Caesars.
Thorn: MUHAHHAHAH MUAHHAHAHAHAHA MUAHAHAHAHHA
Thorn: MUHAHAHHAHAH MUHAHAHAHA MUHAHAHHA
Thorn: HAHAHA hahaha ha.
Hennigan: You still there Rod?
Thorn: Where do I sign?
Hennigan: I'll fax you over some documents.
Thorn: Pizza Pizza.