DEAR EDITORS: This is only to be used as a template for Thursday's NBA Draft. Be sure to fill in the blanks where needed. DO NOT POST AS IS. THIS IS FOR EDITOR USE ONLY.
SCENARIO 1.1: With the 15th pick in the 2012 NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers have selected [INSERT TALL STIFF] from [INSERT MAJOR CONFERENCE WITH WEAK SIZE COMPETITION]. He was reportedly a favorite of [INSERT POWERFUL SIXERS COACH] throughout the draft process with [INSERT POWERFUL SIXERS COACH] having already memorized his cell phone number so he can call him from a landline if he wants to.
[INSERT TALL STIFF] would fit nicely into the Sixers big man rotation if he weren't already obscenely redundant with what they already have. What the Sixers front office has basically decided to do is make as many [INSERT CUSHIONY SOFT REPUBLICAN LUGGAGE SPOKESMAN FROM WASHINGTON] clones as they can, hoping they can at least fool their opponents with tricks from shows like Sister Sister into covering the wrong guy and leaving [INSERT CUSHIONY SOFT REPUBLICAN LUGGAGE SPOKESMAN FROM WASHINGTON] open for easy [INSERT ANYTHING BUT DUNKS].
The Sixers passed on [INSERT = EVERYONE] high-upside players in favor of [INSERT TALL STIFF] because after that worthwhile playoff run [CONVENIENTLY IGNORE DERRICK ROSE'S ACL], they feel like they're only [INTEGER < TWO] piece(s) away from serious contention. After extending both [INSERT BOSS] and [INSERT CUSHIONY SOFT REPUBLICAN LUGGAGE SPOKESMAN FROM WASHINGTON] to deals as long as [INTEGER > 6] years and worth [INTEGER > STACKS ON STACKS ON STACKS], this Sixers team is looking at some major continuity benefits for years to come.
Scenario 1.2: There has been a trade. The Sixers have traded the 15th pick and [INSERT BUST] to the Milwaukee Bucks in exchange for [INSERT VETERAN ACTUALLY SCREW IT JUST SAY IT'S DREW GOODEN AND GET IT OVER WITH] and future considerations [REMIND THEM ABOUT KYRYLO FESENKO].
Sixers coach Doug Collins was quoted as saying "we feel like we're young enough and bringing in a veteran of [INSERT DREW GOODEN]'s caliber will be perfect for our club now and in the future." Doug went on to inhale helium and talk like the Chipmunks. To clear cap space for him, the Sixers also traded [INTEGER = ALL] of their future first round picks, which somehow clears out space in this situation.
[INSERT NEW FIGUREHEAD GM] was reportedly snorting coke off [INSERT FORMER DISGRACED RABBIT MASCOT]'s chest in the war room while all of this was going down.
Scenario 1.3: After trading away all of their picks and all of their current players save for [INSERT OLD SUPPOSEDLY TOUGH CENTER WHO STILL GETS PAID MONEY TO PLAY BASKETBALL], Collins has decided to fill his team with former members of the band Earth, Wind, and Fire.
From Collins: "We really believe we have what it takes to get it done. Veterans win in this league, and these guys have been playing together since 1969, during my freshman year of college. I really like 'September' but 'Fantasy' is probably my favorite of their songs. Who wants pancakes?"
Sixers fans all over the world are rejoicing in hopes of a full rebuild, but David Stern and the NBA has just banned tanking. Any team that tanks will be immediately awarded a playoff spot and an automatic bye. Take that, tankers.
Earth, Wind and Fire will each be wearing the same jersey numbers, which should probably make things really confusing for the refs. Go Sixers.