At Liberty Ballers, we're extremely good at beating a dead horse. The horse was already dead when we campaigned for tanking. Unrecognizable when we shouted about long two's. Decaying midway through the Start Evan Turner Movement. So it should come as no surprise that although Dave found a splendid little article on Adam Aron's Royal Rumble plans, I did a little digging of my own and found all the potential player intros ideas that didn't make it past the dudes in legal. I couldn't resist.
Adam's pitch: You've seen the Sixers in their uniforms. NOW SEE THEM NAKED. With Elton Brand one of the league's hottest players and Tony Battie having the league's biggest johnson, we repel them down from the rafters and the crowd can stare at their grundles as they drop down. Then, I dress them myself while the Bulls watch jealously. With Magic Mike coming out in a few months, there's never been a better time for sweaty naked men. Who isn't excited to see what Rod Thorn is packing?
The Apollo Creed Treatment
Adam's pitch: Philadelphia loves Rocky! It's not dated or overused at all! We dress Chicago up as Dolph Lundgrens (Scalabrine, natch) and have them learn Russian beforehand. Make Lou put on the James Brown outfit from Rocky IV and have the team dance to Living in America on a float on their way on to the court. We know Spencer won't have it down right away, but we'll keep him in the back corner so nobody notices him. Obviously, Lou will change it to "Bossin' in America" and try to add something in there about the first time he had sex (didn't know where to put it) but it'll be good family fun.
Adam's pitch: In keeping with the pro wrestling theme, we have everyone on the Sixers wearing Kane masks. We cut their throats so they all have to use voice boxes (except Evan Turner, that won't be necessary) and they proceed to chokeslam any fan/player/executive in their path. There would have to be something about interrupting a public sex show with Edge and Lita at halftime, but we'll figure that out later.
Adam's pitch: Kate Upton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dong too.
Remember the Beat Around
Adam's pitch: We turn the arena into stadium seating and instead of playing basketball, we all watch Remember the Titans on the Jumbotron. Once the Bulls get completely invested (and a little sleepy - it's late!), we turn the movie off, blast Turn the Beat Around and score as many points as possible before they realize what happened. The Bulls ALWAYS stay 'til the end credits. They'll have no choice but to lose on principle.
We'll see if one of these ends up being a last minute replacement if Michael Buffer can't make it tonight. Stay tuned for THE BEST PLAYER INTROS YOU'VE EVER SEEN EVER SDSFOISDFSNGIJOSPFMIUCMSIDBFS!
WHO'S EXCITED FOR THESE INTRODUCTIONS!? IT SEEMS I'VE LOST THE ABILITY TO NOT TYPE IN CAPS.