He's a Sixers.
(The following has been procured from the future by Will Smith, part owner of the Sixers, who had learned time travel on the set of the extremely unnecessary Men in Black 3. Thanks, Will.)
After weeks of speculation, we finally have some concrete news to report on Brandon Bass. And, well, he's a Sixer. That's not the surprising part. Once Evan Turner was traded to San Antonio for Stephen Jackson, Jrue Holiday was traded to the New Orleans Spirit Fingers in a three-teamer for Luis Scola, and Andre Iguodala was sent to Milwaukee for Monta Ellis, the writing was on the wall. Doug Collins wanted his man and he got him. To the tune of 5 years, $74 million.
Pause for gagging.
In the Sixers second round series against the Boston Celtics, Bass averaged 57 points per game over the last two games, a hot shooting streak that started with an 18-point third quarter in Game Five. The 27-year-old from LSU would not miss a shot in the last two games of the series. His season ended, as you'll recall, on a Game Seven half-court buzzer beater that left his fingertips less than one tenth of a second after the red light went on.
Doug Collins was reportedly so enamored with Bass over the series that he'd added him to his Fave Five on his T-Mobile phone even before the series had ended. Said Doug: "He puts the basketball into the basket while his hands grip the rim. We need a guy who does that." Doug would also go on to verbally abuse Nikola Vucevic, who happened to be walking innocently by at the time.
So the starting lineup looks like it'll be Monta/Jackson/Bass/Scola/Hawes, with Thad and the recently-signed-to-a-lifetime-contract Louis Williams (made his 812th million 'fo he ever got spayed) coming off the bench. Between he, Bass, and the obviously reupped Spencer Hawes, this Sixers team will be financially tied until at least the summer of 2017, by which time my limbs may have sewed themselves back together.
Your new-look Eastern Conference champion Sixers will begin the season against the Vancouver Halibuts on Halloween night. I'll be dressed as Regret.