OK. We were unprepared for Game One. The Bulls were coming out with all of this passing and defense and "making shots" and it was a whole bunch of crap because we weren't prepared.
When I was 16, I went to Orlando with my friends for a flag football tournament. It was four of the most terrifically absurd/enjoyable days of my life, but because we didn't read the rulebook beforehand (why would we?), we didn't know that run plays weren't allowed and you couldn't pass block either. Lost immediately, some kid named Caesar burned us. That's who the Sixers were in Game One. They were me and my friends, on Spring Break from junior year of high school, renting a house in Orlando and whipped creaming each other while we slept (pause). WELL NOT ANYMORE.
Here are eight foolproof steps for success we all must take prior to tonight's game against Chicago.
1. Take all of your clothes off. Even your socks. Especially your socks. They're the Devil's work. And the Devil is really tight with the Chicago Bull. Off they come.
2. Make a sandwich. All good things start with a sandwich. Only this one has to be breadless. Carbs are the enemy, so pick three of these meats: ham, turkey, sausage, pastrami, bologna, salami, roast beef, corned beef, and liverwurst. Use two pieces of one meat as the de facto "bun" and eat. Make sure you have just the right amount of meat in there that will keep you chewing until gametime. Very important. Also make sure your genitals don't get in your sandwich. Equally important.
3. Using your favorite knife, stab your least favorite pillow, spilling its insides over your naked body.
4. Find a pair of yellow rubber gloves and dunk them in cottage cheese. Once you've done that, caress your left ACL in honor of Derrick Rose. If you don't, both Evan Turner and Jrue Holiday will explode before halftime tonight. You don't want that weighing on your conscience.
5. Wash your car. Rain doesn't have soap in it so it doesn't "get clean" whenever it rains. Grow up, you know better.
6. Ask a loved one (father, son, girlfriend, sister, bottle of whiskey) to sit down with you because you want to discuss something important. Rest your left hand upon their right thigh and slowly move it upward 4 inches. They will look down at it. Once they look back up, scream as loud as you can in their face.
7. Make sure you're caught up on New Girl -- you don't want to fall too far behind.
8. Extract the Sixers Kyle Korver jersey from the bottom of your closet. Place it on the ground a good distance in front of your television and jump on it repeatedly while listening to "Dreams" by The Cranberries. If you're doing it right, you should get messy.
And now you're prepared. Off you go.