Evan Turner and his Magical Mystery Problem


To catch you up: recently, Philadelphia sports journalism's equivalent of Nicholas Flamel, Stan Hochman, went on the talking box radio and made a few comments about Sixers wing Evan Turner. The most interesting of which alluded to his inside information of an undisclosed reason for Turner's inconsistencies. Hochman, who is approaching his 565th birthday this June, claimed that he wouldn't reveal the problem or his source until the Sixers finally reveal it themselves one of these days.

Click through for more ET.

Evan Turner, prior to Wednesday night's ocular molestation of the Atlantic Division-trailing Boston Celtics, handled it relatively in stride.

I just laughed kind of like ‘I have no clue what’s going on.’ I get to wake up and play basketball for a living. I don’t really have many problems that normal people have. I’ve been blessed. To complain about anything else would be childish of me.

Turner claims he has no Mystery Problem. But the first game after his Mystery Problem (caps necessary) went public, Evan transformed into THE VILLAIN and ripped off 26 points on 19 shots to go with 9 rebounds. It was not only his best game as a Sixer, it was anyone's best game as a Sixer ever. Records were shattered, blades were broken (and have since been remade), and tears were shed. Which leads us to the question: Just what exactly was Evan Turner's Mystery Problem that, upon its announcement, got him into such a tizzy that he played the best basketball of his NBA career and magicked Doug Collins into starting him for the rest of the season?

My theories, each one as unlikely as the next (so many points for anyone who gets that reference):

  • Evan Turner is actually a man. Juwanna Mann.
  • "Starting Evan Turner" exists in a separate timeline. "Bust Evan Turner" is in purgatory, which you probably knew the whole time.
  • Evan Turner is the only man in Philadelphia with worse gas than Stan Hochman.
  • Evan Turner is the most secret #mysteryteam still in the running for Cliff Lee in December of 2010.
  • Evan Turner is Mr. F.
  • One time, Stan saw Evan not wash his hands after going to the bathroom. He was especially disturbed by the #2 parallels.
  • Evan Turner is on The Truman Show. Stan is Ed Harris.
  • Illuminati.
  • Evan Turner was having an affair with Francisco Elson. They were considering adopting a Frozonian baby. Once Frozone left, Evan was heartbroken.

Whatever it is, I hope Stan Hochman brings it up EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF EVAN'S CAREER. I'm sure we'll be bringing you more Evan Turner coverage over the next millennium or so.

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