EXCLUSIVE: Doug Collins Pre-Game Speech Before Celtics Game

WHO IS THIS LEVIN GUY SAYING I'M A BAD COACH?!

As a Sixers fan, this Friday morning was fairly routine for me. I woke up, drank some Evan Turner Kool-Aid, re-read every article from the 'Remember This Guy' series, reminisced about Jason Smith's glory days in Philadelphia, and finally, snuggled with my Allen Iverson crossover mixtape before passing out for a 16 minute, 16 second nap in honor of Marreese Speights.

When I awoke from my nap, I lethargically stepped out of bed, crushing a stale Cool Ranch Dorito into my carpet before proceeding to my dresser to grab my iPhone 4 (sponsored by no one). As always, the first thing I did was check Twitter to see if the Sixers traded for Tim Tebow and/or if Andre Iguodala made two consecutive free throws in practice.

I scrolled through my timeline, once again disappointed by the lack of Tebow and Sixers free throws, before feasting my eyes upon one of the most shocking tweets I've ever read. Below is that very tweet. Sit down, cause I usually stand while surfing the net.

BIGGEST SIXERS GAME OF THE YEAR TONIGHT?! HOW COULD I HAVE NOT KNOWN THIS?!

Upon further investigation, I discovered that the Sixers do indeed play a big game tonight, against the Boston Celtics. It's on ESPN and everything. The winner will lead the Atlantic Division, outright.

As the biggest Sixers fan in the small suberb of Henderson, Nevada, I was bewildered by the fact that I didn't know tonight was THE BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR. Anytime the team CEO tweets about it, you know it's pretty damn big – like Andre the Giant big.

Then I got to thinking. The Sixers have been struggling since before the All-Star break. I heard some asinine blogger named Mikel Livin, or something – who cares – criticizing the, hands down, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016 NBA Coach of the Year, Doug Collins!

Who do these blog nerds think they are, anyway. They need to wake up and smell something other than the dirty dust ruffle collection in their mother's basements. Pro tip: GET A LIFE, LOSERS! Anyway, I digress.

With the Sixers struggling and the C's hot on their tail for the Division lead, this is absolutely a must-win game for our boys. It's THE BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR, after all.

Since the stakes are so high, you have to figure first-class leader, role model, man and motivator, Coach Doug Collins (did you hear he coached Michael Jordan once?) is going to break out the ultimate pre-game speech, right? He's got to.

Man ... what I'd give to be a fly in the wall in that locker room ...

The mood is set; the room is quiet – the lights have been dimmed. Every player has his head phones on. Some are eating, some are reading, the focus is sky-high ... but so is the tension. The Sixers reportedly held a team meeting after the loss to the Knicks. Players called other players selfish, allegedly. They claim all is well, but Coach Collins knows better; he reads people like WIBR reads the back of forgotten Sixers' trading cards.

He knows something must be done – something must be said. He slowly strolls out from the coach's office, sweaty. He just watched old film of his pal, Charles Oakley for inspiration. (Man, was that guy tough).

For the first time in his career, Coach is scared; he doesn't know what to say as he nervously and quietly taps his left index finder on the clipboard he's clutching so tightly under his arm. It reads: BOSS ISO, in big letters.

Finally, somehow, someway, Collins musters the energy to speak. He doesn't yet know what he's going to say, but with defensive guru Michael Curry at his side, he decides to just start talking and see where the wind takes him ...

Collins: We're not the Heat; we're not the Bulls,

No matter what anybody says or does,

we have have to play our game tonight.

You ... (points to Louis Williams)

Lou: *slowly removes Beats by Dre, aviator sunglasses – hesitantly points at self*

Who are you?

Lou: Boss

From where?

Lou: South Gwinett

You ... (points at Evan Turner)

ET: Evan Turner

From where?

ET: Chicago, Illinois

You ... (points at Andres Nocioni's old locker)

*Michael Curry taps Doug on shoulder, whispers bad news*

You! (points at Jodie Meeks)

Jodie: I'm Jodie Orestes Meeks the third, from Atlanta Georgia

Who are you?!

Brackins: Craig Brackins from Lancaster, California!!

*Nods firmly* (points at Elton Brand, licks lips)

EB: *rises to his feet* Elton Brand ... Cortlandt Manor, New York

Spence: *slams down Going Rogue: An American Life (hardcover) by Sarah Palin, stands* Spencer Hawes, Seattle Washington!

Jrue: Jrue Holiday, Chatsworth, California *subtly chest bumps Jodie Meeks*

S. Young: *jumps up* SAM I AM, Washington, D.C!!!

T. Young: *stands, sprints to the center of locker room* Thad Young, New Orleans, Louisiana!!!!

Lavoy: *stands* Lavoy Allen, Morrisville, Pennsylvania

Battie: *Uses cane to prop himself up from rocker, folds reading glasses, puts in shirt pocket* Tony Battie, Dallas Texas

Vooch: *stands* Nikolva Vueceivc, Switzerland!

Iguodala: *stands, holds one finger up as he finishes his last Twizzler (Twists edition)* Andre Iguodala, Springfield, Illinois

*Sounds of Adam Aron frantically pulling at locked doors, attempting entry into locker room*

Aron: "HEY GUYS!!!! I'M ADAM!!! YOU GUYS WANNA KNOW WHERE I'M FROM!!?!?!?! WELL!!! DO YA? DO YA? DO YA?

*Zumoff bursts out from shower area, wearing a bath robe and shower cap*

Marc Zumoff: THE SIXERS ARE LOCKING ALL WINDOWS AND DOORS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!

And I'm Doug Collins, Christopher, Illinois.

*locker room erupts in cheer and applause*

We're the Philadelphia 76ers, first place in the Atlantic Divison,

And we're gonna win tonight,

you know why?

*Part owner, Will Smith, emerges from behind Collins*

Smith: Cause we are the Philadelphia 76ers, and Sixers get jiggy with it play together

*Collins rips coat jacket off, crumples and throws on ground – smashes clipboard against wall*

That's right, Big Willie!

And just when you think they're going to blow their massive Atlantic Division lead ...

Everyone: SIXERS PLAY TOGETHER!!!

Mike Curry: And when the Celtics come to town, and KG pounds his chest like a raging maniac ...

Everyone: SIXERS PLAY TOGETHER!!!

Boss: And when I made my first million 'fore I eva got laid!

Everyone: *confused* ... uhhhh

*shrugs* Okay ...

Everyone: SIXERS PLAY TOGETHER!!!

And when everyone thinks we're insanely mediocre ... Sixers play together.

*fist bumps and fist pumps all around*

Zumoff: That's basketball, folks!

*falling piece of ceiling startles everyone, followed by Adam Aron descending from the roof, rope tied around his waist*

Aron: HEY GUYS!!! DID YOU GUYS KNOW THE DOORS WERE LOCKED?!?! BIG GAME TONIGHT!!! WHO DO YOU THINK WINS!!!?!?! SHOW YOUR LOVE, EVERYBODY!!!!

*room scatters*

Aron: GUYS?!

/end scene

Or something like that.

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