A Sixers Fan's To-Do List During the All-Star Break

I'm not gonna say anything.

Well, it's finally here. Your stockings are filled, your teeth are polished, your losses are fived, and your brain is finally able to rest it's weary capillaries from the last two weeks of blindingly obscene basketball. It's time to kick back, watch the Rising Stars Game, the Dunk Contest, the Three-Point Kapono, and All-Defense Game.

But since you're all Sixers fans, you'll need a few extra pointers as to how you should occupy yourself over the Break. Thankfully, I've outlined them for you after the jump.

  1. Find out who's coaching Evan Turner's team in the Rookie/Sophomore Game.
  2. Decide you're not going to call it the Rising Stars Game.
  3. Declare that Evan is in Charles Barkley's doghouse when he doesn't play the first quarter.
  4. Fume about Jeremy Lin's inclusion in the game.
  5. Wonder if #4 makes you xenophobic.
  6. Think about Sharone Wright.
  7. Swear to your friends who don't read Liberty Ballers that it's too early to declare Evan a Bust.
  8. Try to defend our blog's general awkwardness to your mainstream friends.
  9. Jump on Trade Machine to see how the Sixers could acquire Derrick Williams without trading Andre Iguodala.
  10. Take a Dong shot.
  11. Decide to not think about the Sixers for a few days because you need to clear your head.
  12. Go to the gym and play basketball for the first time in a while.
  13. Realize your jumper is off, so you start taking it to the basket against the dude with the headband guarding you.
  14. Immediately make the connection that BAD JUMPSHOT = DRIVE MORE and blame the Sixers for being stupid.
  15. Channel Speezy and take a charge, land awkwardly on your wrist and sit out the next few plays.
  16. Eat a Lean Pocket. Just one at first, but the other one's just sitting there out of the box so you might as well eat that too.
  17. Casually tune into the Dunk Contest and Three-Point Contest.
  18. Be bitter about the Nate Robinson Incident from a few years back.
  19. Realize you missed the Skills Challenge and the Shooting Stars.
  20. Reminisce about how much better the dunk contest used to be, even though it really was just Michael and Dominique (and JR Rider).
  21. Enjoy the hell out of Jeremy Evans.
  22. Try to see if the Sixers could make a move for Enes Kanter or Derrick Favors. Find out it's possible.
  23. Lose interest because no Sixers are in either competition. Watch Die Hard for the 85th time. You've been counting.
  24. Think about writing a fanpost claiming Jodie Meeks has no business starting on an NBA team.
  25. Realize you have nothing new to add to the conversation and writing is a lot of work. Nap instead.
  26. Have a nightmare about long two's.
  27. Call your mother. She misses you.
  28. Your mom mispronounces Andre Iguodala. Hang up on her.
  29. In order to get ready for the All-Star Game, try to emulate Iguodala in your driveway.
  30. None of your neighbors can finish so your assist numbers are low and you start taking contested fadeaways instead.
  31. Accidentally buy a whale off Amazon.
  32. Wonder when the last time it was that you went on a blind date.
  33. Ask the whale out on a date.
  34. The All-Star Game starts and all you can think about is how the Sixers have lost five games in a row.
  35. Make an imaginary Sixers team for the year 2017. Find yourself unable to leave Tony Battie off the roster, Liar Liar Red Pen style.
  36. Look up to see the East is winning 84-78 at the end of the first quarter.
  37. Determine that Bud Selig making the All-Star Game count is just as terrible an idea as it's always been.
  38. Iguodala checks in, plays defense, is immediately taken out.
  39. Turn off the TV.
  40. Practice the Hand Jive incessantly until the Sixers come back on next Tuesday.

And now you're set. Direct any questions to my publicist, Allen Iverson.

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