Sixers Vs. Rockets - I Can't Recall the Taste of Winberries

Have we all had time to digest last night's keyboard-striking suckfest? No? Well then, it looks like we'll just have to soldier on as we've finally come to THE LAST GAME BEFORE THE ALL-STAR BREAK! With the Sixers not just limping, but going full-on detached torso towards the few days of glorious reprieve, it would be a miracle if the game is actually played tonight or if they just say screw it, we'll take another loss. What's 5 losses in a row?! Nuthin. My eyes would certainly thank them for it.

So, in keeping with the pre-All-Star mentality, I'd like to dole out some prescient awards for tonight's game that will be delivered to you in face-smushing bullet point fashion.

  • Most free throws attempted: Jrue Holiday. Jrue got to the line once tonight on a three-pointer that went in as Kyle Lowry got a fistfull of wrists. The foul shot went in, but in all the excitement, Andres Nocioni got whistled for a lane violation and the point didn't count.
  • Fewest points in the third quarter: The Sixers with negative 4. Way to hold them, boys!
  • Most Dongs: Obvious.
  • Most defensive goaltends: Samuel Dalembert, he thought he was on offense. Still a goaltend though, Sammy.
  • Highest Number of Times Kyle Lowry is Referred to as Mike Lowery: Me, 42.
  • Most BOSS: Tie between Louis Williams and Kevin Martin and Francisco Elson's pom-poms.
  • The Award for Most Members of the AARP in the Starting Lineup: Doug Collins! Way to not be ageist, Doug!
  • A final prediction - The Sixers will declare Razor Ramon their mascot, he'll Animorph into an actual Razor, and carve out the entire court with the exception of the 16-23 foot area around the Sixers basket. They'll have no choice but to shoot long two's and Doug Collins will not have to adjust the "playbook". All the Rockets will be dead though.

Enjoy the final game before the All-Star Break! If you're looking to be the most comatose by gametime, I would take your handful of Xanex right.........NOW!

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