Things That Were Previously More Likely To Happen Than Doug Collins Deciding To Start Andres Nocioni

As Derek reported, Andres Nocioni will be starting at POWER FORWARD for your Philadelphia 76ers in tonight's game against the Marreese Speights Grizzlies with Elton Brand out until the All-Star Break. Here are things that were more likely to happen before Doug Collins came to that outlandish decision:

• Evan Turner drops so far in the Doughouse that he becomes the Sixers new mascot.
• Louis Williams takes over as head coach.
• Marreese Speights gets re-traded to the Sixers for Jrue Holiday, Andre Iguodala, and Boosie.
• The Sixers offer Big Macs to fans every time the Sixers score less than 8 points in a quarter.
• Francisco Elson finds his super suit.
• Spencer Hawes drops basketball altogether for luggage modeling.
• The entire team learns a choreographed dance to You Can't Stop The Beat from Hairspray.
• Andy Reid and Doug Collins have a baby together.
• The team officially decides to change their name to the Philadelphia Knicks.
• Dongaila MVP.
• Andre Iguodala hits two regulation free throws in a row.
• The Mayans were right.
• The Sixers finally get the "future considerations" from the Jazz for the Kyrylo Fesenko trade.

But alas, the odds were not ever in our favor and neither I nor Katniss Everdeen could stop Doug from starting Andres Nocioni over Nikola Vucevic, Evan Turner, Thaddeus Young, Tony Battie, the sloth from Ice Age, Rowena Ravenclaw, Dwight Yoakam, Apollo Creed, and a tub of vaseline. Get your NoceTurkey's ready, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.