Mass hysteria and cries of "damaged goods!" have overran Sixers Nation (me, you, and that guy from work) in light of the Andrew Bynum press conference yesterday in which he revealed his other knee has been acting up. It's been swelling and team doctors told him he's got cartilage damage in both knees.
Naturally, there's not a ton Bynum can do during the recovery period, but we've managed to acquire a list of activities that he's medically cleared to engage in and those for which he is not. Read on.
STANDING - cleared.
LISTENING TO LOUD MUSIC - cleared.
PLAYING FOOTSIE UNDER THE TABLE - not cleared.
BOWLING - not cleared.
BOWLING WITH BUMPERS - cleared.
CHANGING THE CHANNEL - cleared.
WHISPERING - not cleared.
CUTTING HIS HAIR - hell no.
MAKING PHONE CALLS AFTER 11 PM - not cleared.
BAKING CINNAMON ROLLS - cleared.
BUILDING HIMSELF MORE KNEES - not cleared.
EATING POTATOES, SKIN AND ALL - cleared.
USING TWO BLANKETS - not cleared.
SETTLING DOWN WITH A FAMILY ON A NICE SPREAD OF LAND SOMEWHERE IN THE COUNTRY - not cleared.
HAVING THE WHEREWITHAL TO SURVIVE AN ATTACKING NINJA - cleared.
SAVING HIMSELF - not cleared.
GESTURING - not cleared.
ATTENDING OPTOMETRY CONFERENCES IN GREATER NEW HAMPSHIRE - cleared.
WITHERING AWAY - cleared.
FORMING A WAR-BOUND ALLIANCE WITH YEMEN - cleared.
SEXTING - cleared.
WATCHING BIG BANG THEORY - not cleared.
FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS - not cleared.
DIGESTING - not cleared.
USING THE WORD "SETBACK" - not cleared.
WINGING IT - cleared.
FILLETING ESCARGOT - cleared.
BUSYING HIMSELF - not cleared.
KANGAROOING JACK - cleared.
FANCYING A CUP OF TEA - not cleared.
RUNNING FOR SECRETARY OF DEFENSE - not cleared.
HESITATING AT THE REFRIGERATOR - cleared.
TRYING NEW THINGS - not cleared.
And that's all that we got faxed to us from our anonymous source. Pretty extensive list. Well, now you know what he can and can't do until he re-takes the basketball court in (FILL IN THE BLANK - DO NOT POST UNTIL YOU KNOW WHEN HE'S COMING BACK).
***I'm so sorry you read this. I owe you one.***