2012 Sixers Player Preview: Spencer Hawes

Jonathan Daniel - Getty Images

Spencer on Spencer.

In light of the news that Doug Collins asked his players to fill out a note card with what they think their role should be this season, we asked our favorite basketball player with the name Spencer Hawes, Spencer Hawes, to fill out his own player preview. The following words are his, not mine. A big thank you to Spencer for taking the time to write this.

(The words aren't really his. I do not thank him for writing this, although I do thank him for inspiring it.)

Hey guys, it's me, Spencer Hawes. I'd like to start off by saying Kevin Garnett is very good at basketball and you try covering him, bitch.

Now that that's out of the way, I'm really amped for this season. On a scale from Warren G. Harding to Ronald Reagan, I'm at about a Dwight D. Eisenhower. Things are looking splendid. Romney killed it in the debate, Bynum really bought into my 70s cop duo pitch, and I've been avoiding trashing hotel rooms as best I can. Everything's coming up Spencer!

I think power forward is the perfect position for me because those are already the words I use to describe myself. If someone said "Hey Spencer, what three words would you use to describe yourself?" I would say power(ful), forward, and goat cheese because I really like goat cheese. I'm in the process of trying to get the NBA to change the position to Powerful Forward to better reflect my ability.

My favorite new Sixer is probably Kwame Brown. He's been super nice to me so far.

Starting lineup? Yeah I know I'll be there. I'm good buddies with Thad and I know he wants to start too so I think he'll be there also. I just think as many people who want to start should start, and I know Coach Doug will do everything he can to make that happen. Love you coach.

I've been working on my passing this offseason. Bounce passing, tip passing, chest passing (almost wrote "pissing" there but how do you piss out of your chest u crazy LOL fam), behind the back passing, no-look passing, inbounds passing. Now that Andre is gone, I figure I'll slip into the point forward role he vacated. It'll take some getting used to, but I'm confident we'll be the same old Sixers we always are by the time President Mitt takes office.

Defensively, I model myself after The Glove, Gary Payton. Here's a picture I drew of him in second grade. Mom hung it on the fridge and Dad was proud. I bet teams won't be scoring many points on us this season!

STATS PREDICTION

19 points, 12 rebounds, 17 assists, 8 high-fives, 2 chest bumps, 3 Show Ya Luvs. Participation in Skills Challenge and 3-Point Contest. Team MVP. American Hero.

Go Sonics. Spencer out.

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