Sometimes the NBA season is a slog and there's nothing to write about. Some days blogging is just about getting something out there and having you beautiful people talk amongst yourselves. Sometimes, the stories just don't come.
Then there are days like this.
Tom Moore, at Sixers camp, tweeted the following:
Collins gave players cards and asked them to write what they think their roles should be this season. #Sixers— Tom Moore (@tmoorepburbs) October 8, 2012
WELL AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, we've exclusively acquired all of these note cards and would like to present them to you as read by Doug Collins in a semi-circle in the locker room. Here we go:
Doug: Okay gang, I'm really excited about this season. We've got a young and exciting team and more depth than I know what to do with. We were gonna bring Craig Brackins back as a joke but apparently someone else actually wanted him so Arnett, we'll just call you Craig this year.
Arnett: That's fine.
Doug: Everybody else, as we're still figuring out roles this season, I asked you to write on a note card what you think your role should be. And I've got them right here.
Kwame: Wait you're gonna read them out loud?
Doug: Is that a problem, Kwame?
Kwame: Umm. No. No, I just... didn't think everyone would hear mine. That's fine. Great.
Doug: Then let's start with.... Spencer's. Nice handwriting, Spence.
Spencer: Thanks, coach.
Doug: "More kickass haircuts and fadeaway jumpers. Drink more milk and learn what 'box out' means." This doesn't really say what you think your role should be.
Spencer: I didn't understand the question.
Doug: That is the question. What do you think your role should be?
Spencer: Oh. I guess I'm the white guy, then.
Doug: That's better.
Doug crosses off all of Spencer's card except "learn what 'box out' means" and writes "WHITE GUY".
Doug: Evan. "Take Jason, Nick, and Dorell out to dinner under the auspices of welcoming them to the team. Poison their wine, just like you were going to do with Moe Harkless. Play 40 minutes per game. Read more books." Uhhhhh, Ev?
Nick: I LOVE RED WINE THAT'S GONNA WORK DUDE SWAG UP
Jason: Hey anybody know where Elton is? He told me he'd be here.
Dorell: I'm a legitimately good person. Why would you poison me?
Evan: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dorell: He just read your card. It sounds like you're going to kill all the shooters.
Evan: That's crazy man, I've been shooting 5,000 jumpers per day. Made all of them. Fam.
Doug: Jason, Elton is on the Mavericks. We amnestied him to sign Nick.
Nick: I BOUGHT THESE GLASSES WITH THE MONEY THEY'RE MADE OUT OF CONVERSES
Dorell: I've literally never seen you make a jumpshot.
Thad: Evan I'm a small forward, why don't you want to poison me?
Doug: Shut up, Thad.
Evan: Shut up, Thad.
Jrue: Shut up, Thad. Coach, read mine next.
Doug: "Jrue already kno."
Jrue: That's right.
Dorell: That's Wright.
Evan: Good one Dorell, you should totally not get poisoned.
Jason: Is Battie on his way here? He paged me saying he'd be here. I think that's what 8 beeps means.
Doug: Jrue, we need to talk about you using your first name in puns.
Jrue: What do Jrue mean?
Doug: That. Exactly that.
Nick: I CAN'T SEE VERY WELL BUT IT'S AIGHT
Kwame: I think I saw Battie hiding in the second floor bathroom.
Doug: He's gone, Tony is gone and I don't want to talk about it. OK next up: Damien Wilkins? Who the hell is Damien Wilkins?
Damien: That's me.
Doug: What position do you play?
Damien: 2 or 3. My uncle is Dominique. I'm really happy to be her--
Evan has sawed off the backboard to land on Damien's neck. He collapses to the floor, dead.
Doug: Let's move on. Lavoy. "Baby food. Carrots. Skim milk. Diapers. Twizzlers. Pork rinds. Half pound of honey turkey." Why did you write your shopping list?
Lavoy: So I don't forget it.
Mikki: Babies love string cheese. Get some string cheese.
Doug: What is Mikki Moore doing here?
Mikki: I'm on the team, coach.
Evan: You play small forward?
Mikki: I'm a center.
Andrew: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL right.
Doug: Andrew I can't find your note card.
Andrew: I didn't write one.
Doug: Good work. Kwame, you're up.
Kwame: Okay I just want to make sure you guys know I didn't know this was going to be read aloud.
Jason: Hey Kwame! Good to see a friendly face, bro. You an assistant coach these days?
Doug: "She likes to bounce, b-bounce, b-bounce. She likes to shake, sh-shake, sh-shake. I want to hold her in my arms. Cuz I love her like a fat kid loves the cake."
Nobody says anything.
Kwame: I'm looking into a post-basketball rap career.
Royal: GET THE F*CK OUT OF HERE LOU I'M THE BACKUP POINT GUARD.
Royal chases Lou out of the gym and goes back to eating his banana.
Maalik: CoachsaysI'vebeendoingreallywellinpractice I'mworkingonmyshotselectionyouguyslikeringpops?
Doug: Okay, Nick. Your turn. "Scorer off the bench, look for open shots, take the ball to the basket, and work on playing team defense." Nick, this is great.
Nick: FLIP IT OVER COACH
Doug: "Experiment with playing basketball on stilts because if you're taller than everyone, you're always open."
Andrew: He's right.
Spencer: I'm thinking about playing guard this year.
Evan: I can't even.
Doug: Alright last one before we work on our high fives.
Arnett: Man I hate high fives.
Doug: CRAIG SHUT THE HELL UP GO TO THE D-LEAGUE. GET OUT OF HERE. GO. GO!
Kwame: I hate that guy.
Doug: Here we go: "Play 20 innocuous minutes per game." Nobody signed it.
Dorell: Not mine.
Doug: Maalik? Royal? Thad?
Everybody shakes their head.
Doug: Then who was it?
Suddenly, a naked 6'4 guard out of Detroit walks out of the shower.
Willie: I'm back, bitches.
Everyone but Jason: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Jason: Willie! How's it hanging dude nice body.