The NBA L*CK*UT has already passed Spiderman 3 on the Most Catastrophic Man-Made Disasters list and with another few basketball-less weeks, it could certainly generate enough speed to pass Crocs. But let's not think about contingency plans and bomb shelters just yet. As much as you guys want to see the L*CK*UT end, imagine how much a semi-circle of SB Nation NBA bloggers wants to write about actual basketball?
More on that later this week. But for now, I've collected enough scientific data to determine the (insert how many you can pull out of your ass, don't forget to put in a number, Mike!) best ways to wait out these castrated months. Jump is pronounced "Yump" in Spanish.
Everybody likes a good-smelling sports fan, but how many of you can boast having the freshest pits on the court? Dual-Action Deodorant/Toothpaste is a market that needs cornering.
2. Pretend there is no L*CK*UT.
"Aw man I totally missed the game last night, I heard it was awesome!"
"Yeah my girlfriend made me watch A Walk To Remember for the hundredth time so I couldn't catch it. It's cool though - Mandy Moore is super-cute."
"Comcast blocked out the game AGAIN!?"
3. Watch Vin Diesel movies until your head bleeds.
Some examples: The Fast and the Furious, The Chronicles of Furious, xFuriousX, The Pacifurious, The Furious and the Furious: Furious Drift. That should get you started.
I've heard food is the second-best medicine for Basketball-Induced Depression and though Prozac would probably do you just fine, it isn't quite as tasty unless you have like fourteen at a time. Or so I've read.
5. Make lists on ways to wait out the NBA L*CK*UT.
6. Make a Helga Pataki-inspired shrine to Andres Nocioni only instead of bubble gum, construct it with hustle.
How to objectify hustle, you ask? With grit, I reply.
7. Watch EuroLeague Basketball.
Well, if you're going to watch Euro Basketball, you may as well watch soccer. And if you're going to watch soccer, you may as well watch the last two minutes of an NFL game in slow motion where the backup quarterback is kneeling the ball. I guess skip this one.
8. Learn how to cook.
I hear that's useful.
9. Infiltrate the Commissioner's Office and leave York Peppermint Patties hidden around the office with notes attached propagating a fair deal with the players.
Nothing loosens a Front Office Executive up like a York Peppermint Patty. You could be a hero.
What's your strategy on how to avoid slipping into a deathplunge during these trying times? If this blog wasn't before, it has officially become a support group for the crazies.