How Andre Iguodala's Exit Interview Should Go

Per Tom Moore, Andre Iguodala still has not had his season-ending exit interview with Rod Thorn, Ed Stefanski, and Doug Collins. He's the only one who has yet to do so. If memory serves correctly, Theo Ratliff and Andre Miller bailed on their interviews a few seasons ago as a piss off gesture to Sixers management. Though it was a foregone conclusion that  Theo and Fat Dre were skipping town, it's expected that Andre will be a 76er next season. We've speculated about the possibility he won't, but according to the books, he'll be here.

But right now, he could be in China. Or the Bermuda Triangle. Or Jersey. Rod Thorn doesn't know, so neither do we. I've taken the liberty of pooling my extensive resources together and computer-generating how Iguodala's exit interview would go if they had it.

Start recording

Rod Thorn: Andre, please have a seat.

Andre Iguodala: What up.

Doug Collins: How's it hanging, Andre? Catch that new episode of The Wire?

Ed Stefanski: I'm a Philly guy.

Rod: How do you think the season went for you, Andre?

Doug: I can answer that.

Rod: Please don't.

Andre: Well you drafted the guy to replace me but got us out of the Princeton Offense, so I guess that evens out.

Doug: Were you happy with your role? I think you were happy. We hung out.

Andre: Yeah, coach.

Doug: Why haven't you listed me on your top friends on Facebook?

Andre: I don't really use it that much, coach.

Ed: I think we've got a great bunch of guys here.

Rod: Where do you see this team going forward?

Andre: I don't know if I do see this team going forward.

Doug: Why? Are you going blind? We've got someone on staff for that, right Ed?

Ed: We didn't think it made much basketball sense.

Rod: Do you want to be here?

Andre: Sure but only for a few more minutes, I've got a souffle going.

Rod: I meant for next season.

Andre: Will there be a next season?

Ed: I'm a basketball guy.

Doug: We'll play anywhere. On the playground, in the streets. I like the streets.

Rod: We're hoping there will be. Can we count on you to be a part of this young core with Evan, Thad, and Jrue moving forward?

Spencer Hawes walks by and pouts.

Doug: I'll make a deal with you. You put me on your top friends, and I'll let you take as many fadeaway jump shots as you want.

Andre: I do that anyway coach.

Ed: Anybody remember Kareem Rush?

Rod: Ed, why don't you go to the bathroom or something?

Ed: I have had to tinkle since we traded for Dongaila.

Ed leaves.

Andre: Listen, get me a big man that can actually play, and we'll be good.

Spencer sulks.

Rod: How's Jamaal Magloire? He was an all-star.

Doug: And a veteran. I heard he's tough. He's a career 48.1% shooter, got 10.3 rebounds in '04 and poops an average of 2.2 times per day.

Rod: How do you know that?

Doug: I have a good memory.

Andre: I gotta run. Hopping on a plane to Taiwan with Mareese.

Doug: Tell Speezy I said show ya luv!

Rod: Tell Speezy he won't be needing his playbook anymore.

Andre: I don't think he read it much.

Doug: Free Speezy!

--

I assume that when Andre does go in for his exit interview, this transcription will serve as proof that the writers at LB are actually aliens. Offseason.

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