Eddie Jordan Life Update; Greg Oden Going Vader

It's been a long time since we've caught up with former coach/scapegoat/hygiene enthusiast Eddie Jordan. A quick check at our archives reveals that we haven't had a title about him in a year and a half, when the "I Survived the Eddie Jordan Era" t-shirt went on sale to rave reviews and mass hysteria that nearly the opposite of crashed the stock market. I figure now's as good a time as any to check in on ol' Braceface.

And I quote!

Eddie Jordan takes over freshman team at Carroll High School.

And now it's time for jokes, starting with the obvious one.

  • Will the Lions be employing the Princeton offense? Furthermore, would Samuel Dalembert have enough skills to get regular minutes on the team?
  • I'm not sure if I should be referencing Hardball, The Mighty Ducks or The Air Up There so let's settle for all three. "Jimmy Dolan loves it when you call him big Quack-a." That just about covers that.
  • How long until the Carroll High School fans start rooting for losses?
  • Is there some sort of middle school draft where those same fans can start a #missionWTF-esque quest for rebuilding?
  • How long will it take for the kids to realize that Eddie Jordan, braces and all, is not one of their classmates?

It's all fun and games until this stomach-churning line from the same article.

He is not getting paid — though he still has $3 million remaining on his contract with the Philadelphia 76ers.

Stonefaced. Hit the jump for more sobering news.

In news that surely won't set the Earth off its axis but even more surely (Shirley) should, Greg Oden will reportedly be targeted, bound, gagged, and signed to the biggest deal the Miami Heat can offer. As a restricted free agent, albeit a unique one, the Blazers have the option to match any offer and it's likely they would. He's currently got a $8.9 million Qualifying Offer warming in the oven but for any long-term possibility, it seems like the unluckiest player this side of Mark Prior would lean in that direction. Why is it such a big deal that an injury-flooded player is hitting (restricted) free agency? Mr. Ziller?

In the first version of this ranking, I did not include restricted free agent Greg Oden. This was either an oversight or a nod to the mysterious in which G.O.D.E. exists, a dimension separate from the mundane course of "free agency" and "qualifying offers." You cannot place an integer in front of that entity. To do so would violate nature.

I'll chime in with a bit of my own from seven months ago, imploring the pre-Lockout Sixers to go after the phormer phenom from Ohio State:

When he's been on the court, he's been statistically one of the best centers in basketball. His career percentages are through the roof and his aggregate win shares per 48 minutes measures out to 0.180, head and shoulders above the Sixers leader this season in Elton Brand at 0.161. And he's done it without any semblance of a refined offensive game. If he ever learns how to actually play basketball, he will be at the highest level of basketball's stars.

Imagine that talent, healthy (EAT YOUR SALT GRAINS), and on the same team as LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say the universe would cave in on itself in an explosion of alley-oops, put-backs, and ten straight NBA Championships. Do I want this? No.

In other news, found a planet. Discuss!

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