VIDEO: David Stern Brings Chainsaw to Labor Negotiations, Shows Off 42-inch Vertical

by Jordan Sams on Oct 15, 2011 5:19 PM PDT in Sixers Non-News

I'm quadruple-dipping since I already posted this on SB Nation Philly, New York and Boston, but it was too much of a gem not to post on my favorite website of all-time. Also, I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still alive and that Tanner, Michael, Derek and myself still get together every Wednesday night in our Jrue Holiday shirsey-onesies, discuss our top 10 naps of all time and watch old school Allen Iverson crossover mixes until we all fall asleep in the same sleeping bag. We'll get through this lockout, you guys! New ownership, young players, Elton Brand's contract slowly coming off the books. We're in good shape! Love you guys! And remember, don't bring a machete to a chainsaw fight!

/endlovefest

I've read hundreds of articles, blog posts and tweets trying to explain the Lockout, and even written a few myself. But it wasn't until I stumbled across this video by Taiwan's Next Media Animation that I fully understood what was going on. It all makes sense now. Here's what I learned from the 90 second video:

Goaltending rules do not apply to David Stern.
White men can't jump ... unless they're David Stern.
LeBron takes the "King James" mantra seriously, and wears a crown 24/7, even while cooking pizza with Derek Fisher.
David Stern handles a chainsaw better than you'd expect.
Speaking of, someone needs to tell Derek Fisher that he brought a machete to a chainsaw fight.
When the Pistons eventually get contracted David Stern will weep like Rocky after Micky died in Rocky III.
Time Warner Cable is a woman.
LeBron's game doesn't translate in Taiwan.
"LONG LIVE THE LOCKOUT!"

Make the jump to watch the entire video.

NBA lockout spoils start of 2011 season (via NMAWorldEdition)

(H/T NESN)

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The guy who is supposed to be Stern… who does he look like? Phil Jackson or someone else?

by tk76 on Oct 15, 2011 5:48 PM PDT reply actions

the little end segment they do is so jarring

by ColeStevens on Oct 15, 2011 11:16 PM PDT reply actions

Two Things:

1. The NHL lockout in 2005 and the NFL lockout this year have taught me that lockouts work like this: when they are going on, the teams don’t play, when it is over, they do play, all the other stuff I don’t really care about.
2. If Stern has a 42 vertical, I think we found our big man:)

"Great, I got that "excited/scared" feeling. Like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's more - It could be two - it could be 98% scared, 2% excited but that's what makes it so intense."

-Armageddon

by flyrman57 on Oct 16, 2011 12:03 PM PDT via mobile reply actions

But can he block shots? Does he crash the boards? Does he have enough lower-body strength to hold his position in the block?

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, there will be no trade for Monta!

by dweebowitz on Oct 16, 2011 12:51 PM PDT up reply actions

All that matters is whether he can average 20 ppg.

by tk76 on Oct 16, 2011 1:45 PM PDT up reply actions

Lets sign him to a tryout contract and find out!

"Great, I got that "excited/scared" feeling. Like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's more - It could be two - it could be 98% scared, 2% excited but that's what makes it so intense."

-Armageddon

by flyrman57 on Oct 16, 2011 6:15 PM PDT via mobile up reply actions