If you're an avid reader of the site, you'll remember I had vaguely promised a series of these in the Francisco Elson letter, to which he did not respond. I pray Mr. King is more salutary.
Dear Billy King,
How's tricks? I saw you at the NBA Combine making moves and now all of a sudden you're the new General Manager of the Moscow Nyets. I don't know how good your Russian is, but I am quite aware of your Front Office prowess, so I'd like to offer my congratulations. It's going to be hard facing you in our division, though. First Donovan goes to Washington, Wes Helms went back to Florida before that, and I'm sure something happened with hockey/soccer/backgammon that I'm oblivious to! This one hurts the worst, Bill, it's a bad sting.
But I know your plan. I've known it since the day I was born. The city loves you, Bill, that's no surprise. But your ties to Philadelphia are so deep, they are etched in permanent etching Sharpee into your Clarence Weatherspoon forehead. You grew up in Sterling, Virginia, the same town as Patton Oswalt who played the Giants dude in Big Fan with Eagles guy Michael Rapaport who appeared in Hitch with Will Smith, who claimed that "Philly stay Jiggy" all the way back in 1998, the same year you were promoted to General Manager. Now for our geriatric readers, "Stay Jiggy" is underground basketball slang for "I'll take Willie Green off your hands."
And if that's not enough, you attended Dook University, graduated in 1988, the same year in which Tanner
and Jordan were born, 20.1 years before Liberty Ballers joined the SBN Network, and as some quick research will tell me, Brook Lopez's PER last season was 20.1. The Lopez-Green swap is inevitable and with you as the mastermind, Philadelphia should thrive from the get-go, while the Nets flounder more than Kent Dorfman for years.
Let's not harp on the immediate future, right Billy? We've got bigger plans. Let us delve into the ever-mysterious realm of "down the road." Despite the contractual "otherwises" I think it's a guarantee you'll be locked up in Jersey for at least 15 years, during which you will earn a top 3 spot 13 times. The future acquisition of Edin Bavcic will cost you at least 8 future first round picks (top 1 protected, of course), which should net us most of these 6th graders: Donald Hazelton, Trey Sanchez, Simon Bullingsworth, James Derling and Shareef Abdur-Rahim Jr., among others. And by the time Jrue Holiday is 43, we'll have a minimum of 12 championships and you, Billy, will get the hattiest hat tip of the century.
Good luck again Bill. You've kept up the charade this long and I have the utmost confidence you'll be able to do it again. Keep an eye out for that Prokhorov dude -- if he starts calling you comrade, bail.
All of us.