The Jodies: 1st Annual Season Awards
by Jordan Sams on Apr 19, 2010 2:00 AM PDT
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PA Announcer: From Jordan Sams' basement, somewhere in Las Vegas, welcome to the Jodies! Here's your host ... Alan! Alan: Hello. How bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. Ha ha ha. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner (awkward laugh, and some applause); I tend to think of myself of a one-man wolf pack. But enough about me, let's get down to business. Most Awkward Player PA Announcer: Here to present the award for most awkward player, the real-life Pinball Wizard, Todd MacCulloch! Todd: Hi, my name's Todd. Before I present this award, I want to tell you about my last pinball tournament ... (glances into crowd, only to see Dikembe Mutombo shaking his head and wagging his finger) ... umm never mind. The nominees are: Montage guy: Fransisco Elson for his measly 4 minutes and a striking resemblance to Frozone from the incredibles. Primoz Brezec for -- according to Lou Williams -- listening to Miley Cyrus on the team bus, and this picture. And Jason Smith, for having a combined vertical and wingspan of approximately 48 inches, and getting blocked 3 times on one possession. Todd: And the winner is ... Jason Smith! Jason: (Holding back tears) I'd like to thank my arms for being so short, and Mary Carey for making out with me once. Breakout Player PA Announcer: Now, to present the award for breakout player, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino! The Sitch: (Smiles, lifts up shirt, points at abs) Situationally speaking, I know a situation when I see one. I myself, had a situational breakout this year. So I can see why they asked me to present this award ... (This picture appears on big screen behind the Sitch; crowd laughs). Montage guy: And the nominees are: Jrue Holiday for his solid rookie season rookie season. Jodie Meeks for his barrage of three-point shooting in April. And Sam Dalembert for having the most productive season in his erratic career. The Sitch: And the winner is ... Jrue Holiday! (Jrue rappels down from from rafters, Sting-style) Jrue: I'd like to thank my mom for calling me a "sweet boy" on TV, Jamie Maggio for being the Sixers sideline reporter, and the 16 teams who passed on me in the first round. The Jruth will set you free! *Applause and Applesauce as The Jodies go to commercial* Alan: Now, performing their new and completely original hit single, Allen Iverson, Chris Webber, and Andre Iguodala! Best Moment PA Announcer: Here to present the award for best moment, Marc Zumoff! Zumoff: I'm going to turn garbage into gold! I'm going to lock all windows and doors! I'm going to present the award for best moment! Montage guy: And the nominees are: Jrue Holiday's first big minutes in Washington. The Toney Douglas-led comeback to beat the Sixers, keeping missionWTF alive. And Allen Iverson's return to Philadelphia. Zumoff: And the winner is, Yes! Ohhhhhhhh yes! Allen Iverson's return to Philadelphia! PA Announcer: Allen could not be here to accept his award. (47 minute standing ovation) Worst Play PA Announcer: Here to present the award for worst play, Bill Buckner and Tony Romo! Bill: I know bad plays when I see them, and these are some bad plays right Tony? Tony: The ball was slick dammit! The ball was f'ing slick! Montage guy: And the nominees are: Elton Brand's missed game-tying layup against the Bucks. Andre Iguodala's three-pointer against the Raptors. Samuel Dalembert's basket interference. Bill: And the winner is, Sammy D for blocking Andre Iguodala's shot! Alan: Sammy couldn't be here tonight because he's watching Speed Racer, but please direct your attention to the big screen for a special message from him. Alan: Before we hand out our two most prestigious awards, please keep your eyes on the big screen for the awards handed out earlier this evening. Best play: Andre Iguodala's full court shot Biggest Disappointment: Thaddeus Young The "I sucked all year long" award: Eddie Jordan Best quote: We believe in harmony and effort" - Eddie Jordan Best nickname: The Jodiac Killer Best inanimate object: Jrue Holiday's psyche Best picture: No caption necessary Best game: @Boston Best sequence: Tie between Iverson v. Kobe and Iguodala v. LeBron *Applause as the Jodies go to commercial* Ryan Seacrest: This ... is an Andre Iguodala dunk montage! Least Valuable Player Alan: Man, that was cool! It would be so cool if I could breast-feed. I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper. Here to present the award for Least Valuable Player, Eddy Curry! Eddy: ........ Montage guy: And the nominees are: Elton Brand for getting paid 15 million dollars to be a streaky role player. Willie Green for being, well, Willie Green. And Marreese Speights for only having 21 more assists (36) than pounds gained (15). Eddy: .... Alan: Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet? Eddy: And the winner is ... Elton Brand. Elton: I just wanna say, that if you don't bite as puppies, you're not going to bite as dogs. If you didn't rebound as a young man or teenager, you ain't going to rebound when it's time to be a man ... Most Valuable Player PA Announcer: And now to present our final award of the evening, Jessica Burciaga! Jordan Sams: Psyche! Of course your boy jsams is handing out the MVP. Forget the nominees! Andre Iguodala is your winner. Andre come up here and get your prize. Andre: I'd like to thank myself for being an elite player. I'd also like to thank my x-ray glasses, and massive man parts. Alan: Well said Andre. Thanks for coming out. Drive home safe. And let's get some runs!
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You're a crazy guy, jordan.
I would have gone with Brezec for most awkward, though.
What about Iguodala as “Chief Blocka?”
If only he could live up to his rap:
CHIEF BLOCKA:
Let yo game and yo mind be free
Have fun and you will see
Get your team mates on your side
And show some styleee
It doesn’t matter what you are
Short. Fat. Big. Tall or small
No matter how you are
Reach for the starz
We just be Hyperizing
While ya’ll be criticizing
We just gon’ do our thing like ev-ery day – ay
You cant control the style
You get that were too wild
But were just having fun every time we play -ay -ay
http://www.phillyarena.com - Philly sports forum/blog
Scattered thoughts, random references, multiple mentions of Francisco Elson and Primoz Brezec? By gum, I think I’m converting you.
The Mark McGuire Small Ballz award
To best Small Ball PF goes to: Jason Kapono
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi-w4EnnJhM
http://www.phillyarena.com - Philly sports forum/blog
The Godzilla award for shortest arms in a supporting role
Goes to: Jason Smith
http://www.phillyarena.com - Philly sports forum/blog
Best Court Vision Award
Goes to Jrue. Although Iguodala gets close consideration.
Award: A pair of Andre Iguodala/Urkle glasses:
http://www.phillygameday.com/2009/06/entire-family-sues-iguodala-for-looking-like-a-bleeping-dork/
http://www.phillyarena.com - Philly sports forum/blog
The Gravy Train Award:
For Falling off the wagon, dogging it, and gaining so much weight:
Goes to Speights:
http://www.phillyarena.com - Philly sports forum/blog
Applause and Applesauce as The Jodies go to commercial
Alan: Now, performing their new and completely original hit single, Allen Iverson, Chris Webber, and Andre Iguodala!
Maybe you had the funny filter on and it cut out the parts that sucked?
http://www.phillyarena.com - Philly sports forum/blog
lol yeah only 25% of my post made it. let me see if i can fix it
by Jordan Sams on Apr 19, 2010 10:19 AM PDT up reply actions
does is have like best quote and stuff?
by Jordan Sams on Apr 19, 2010 10:27 AM PDT up reply actions
i’m re-writing the parts that weren’t there. they won’t be exactly the same, but it shouldn’t take long since i remember most of it.
by Jordan Sams on Apr 19, 2010 10:32 AM PDT up reply actions
Hahaha
Great job Jordan.
"They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds." - Wilt Chamberlain
Incredible.
I don’t have any other words for this. Great work. lol
I lol’d multiple times.
I especially enjoyed the ripping on Jason Smith since he’s one of my least favorite players (perhaps below WG).
I keep hearing comments about his short arms. Does anyone know his wingspan?
smith’s wingspan was measured 6’ 10.75" at the combine (the same as his height without shoes). that’s terrible for a basketball player.
that said, i think my wingspan is actually shorter than my height.
What’s interesting is that he has the same wingspan as Dwayne Wade. Iguodala’s wingspan is slightly more than Smith’s.
I guess he’s really at a disadvantage when it comes to rebounding.
jay bilas probably does not like jason smith – just a hunch
by Tanner Steidel on Apr 19, 2010 9:44 PM PDT up reply actions
nobody likes wingspan more than jay bilas
by Michael Levin on Apr 19, 2010 10:26 PM PDT up reply actions
at one of the combines before he was drafted it was measured at 6’10.75"
by Tanner Steidel on Apr 19, 2010 6:54 PM PDT up reply actions
He has the same standing reach as Thad, but is 5" taller (barefoot.) His reach should be 10" more if he had a similar build as Thad.
http://www.phillyarena.com - Philly sports forum/blog
Looking at players taken in the 1st round…
There has never been a player his height with such a short reach. The next tallest player with his reach is 3" shorter than him.
Greg Oden is the same height, with 6" more standing reach.
Sene, same height, 7" more reach.
Diop 1 inch shorter, 7" more reach
Bogut and Hawes about the same hight and 4"-5" more reach.
The guy’s arms are so short he has to bend over to put on a belt.
http://www.phillyarena.com - Philly sports forum/blog
Of course to be fair there are 2 players with short arms who are great rebounders:
Love and Noah. Both have a standing reach barely better than Smith’s. So its not all the arms… But it is fun to mock T-Rex.
http://www.phillyarena.com - Philly sports forum/blog
my wingspan has really affected my defense in basketball. blocks and steals are tougher to get when you have short arms.
by Jordan Sams on Apr 19, 2010 11:51 PM PDT up reply actions
Just a suggestion
learning to use ‘the jump’ would be helpful for writers
by jemagee on Apr 19, 2010 8:42 PM PDT reply actions
Fantastic work.
However, I’m not sure it’s acceptable that Jamie Maggio didn’t get an award. How about Best Actress? She had to make this team sound interesting. Kate Fagan should get some love too. Maybe Best Sound Editing for her wizardry with quotes? Can’t forget our ladies.
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