The Jodies: 1st Annual Season Awards

PA Announcer: From Jordan Sams' basement, somewhere in Las Vegas, welcome to the Jodies! Here's your host ... Alan!

Alan: Hello. How bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. Ha ha ha. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner (awkward laugh, and some applause); I tend to think of myself of a one-man wolf pack. But enough about me, let's get down to business. 

Most Awkward Player 

PA Announcer: Here to present the award for most awkward player, the real-life Pinball Wizard, Todd MacCulloch!

Todd: Hi, my name's Todd. Before I present this award, I want to tell you about my last pinball tournament ... (glances into crowd, only to see Dikembe Mutombo shaking his head and wagging his finger) ... umm never mind. The nominees are:

Montage guy: Fransisco Elson for his measly 4 minutes and a striking resemblance to Frozone from the incrediblesPrimoz Brezec for -- according to Lou Williams -- listening to Miley Cyrus on the team bus, and this picture. And Jason Smith, for having a combined vertical and wingspan of approximately 48 inches, and getting blocked 3 times on one possession.

Todd: And the winner is ... Jason Smith!

Jason: (Holding back tears) I'd like to thank my arms for being so short, and Mary Carey for making out with me once.

Breakout Player

PA Announcer: Now, to present the award for breakout player, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino!

The Sitch: (Smiles, lifts up shirt, points at abs) Situationally speaking, I know a situation when I see one. I myself, had a situational breakout this year. So I can see why they asked me to present this award ... (This picture appears on big screen behind the Sitch; crowd laughs).

Montage guy: And the nominees are: Jrue Holiday for his solid rookie season rookie season. Jodie Meeks for his barrage of three-point shooting in April. And Sam Dalembert for having the most productive season in his erratic career.

The Sitch: And the winner is ... Jrue Holiday!

(Jrue rappels down from from rafters, Sting-style)

Jrue: I'd like to thank my mom for calling me a "sweet boy" on TV, Jamie Maggio for being the Sixers sideline reporter, and the 16 teams who passed on me in the first round. The Jruth will set you free!

*Applause and Applesauce as The Jodies go to commercial*

Alan: Now, performing their new and completely original hit single, Allen Iverson, Chris Webber, and Andre Iguodala!

Best Moment

PA Announcer: Here to present the award for best moment, Marc Zumoff!

Zumoff: I'm going to turn garbage into gold! I'm going to lock all windows and doors! I'm going to present the award for best moment!

Montage guy: And the nominees are: Jrue Holiday's first big minutes in Washington. The Toney Douglas-led comeback to beat the Sixers, keeping missionWTF alive. And Allen Iverson's return to Philadelphia.

Zumoff: And the winner is, Yes! Ohhhhhhhh yes! Allen Iverson's return to Philadelphia!

PA Announcer: Allen could not be here to accept his award.

(47 minute standing ovation)

Worst Play

PA Announcer: Here to present the award for worst play, Bill Buckner and Tony Romo!

Bill: I know bad plays when I see them, and these are some bad plays right Tony? 

Tony: The ball was slick dammit! The ball was f'ing slick!

Montage guy: And the nominees are: Elton Brand's missed game-tying layup against the Bucks. Andre Iguodala's three-pointer against the Raptors. Samuel Dalembert's basket interference

Bill: And the winner is, Sammy D for blocking Andre Iguodala's shot!

Alan: Sammy couldn't be here tonight because he's watching Speed Racer, but please direct your attention to the big screen for a special message from him.

Alan: Before we hand out our two most prestigious awards, please keep your eyes on the big screen for the awards handed out earlier this evening.

Best play: Andre Iguodala's full court shot

Biggest Disappointment: Thaddeus Young

The "I sucked all year long" award: Eddie Jordan

Best quote: We believe in harmony and effort" - Eddie Jordan

Best nickname: The Jodiac Killer

Best inanimate object: Jrue Holiday's psyche

Best picture: No caption necessary

Best game: @Boston

Best sequence: Tie between Iverson v. Kobe and Iguodala v. LeBron

*Applause as the Jodies go to commercial*

Ryan Seacrest: This ... is an Andre Iguodala dunk montage!

Least Valuable Player

Alan: Man, that was cool! It would be so cool if I could breast-feed. I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper. Here to present the award for Least Valuable Player, Eddy Curry!

Eddy: ........

Montage guy: And the nominees are: Elton Brand for getting paid 15 million dollars to be a streaky role player. Willie Green for being, well, Willie Green. And Marreese Speights for only having 21 more assists (36) than pounds gained (15). 

Eddy: ....

Alan: Hey guys, when's the next Haley's comet?

Eddy: And the winner is ... Elton Brand.

Elton: I just wanna say, that if you don't bite as puppies, you're not going to bite as dogs. If you didn't rebound as a young man or teenager, you ain't going to rebound when it's time to be a man ... 

Most Valuable Player

PA Announcer: And now to present our final award of the evening, Jessica Burciaga!

Jordan Sams: Psyche! Of course your boy jsams is handing out the MVP. Forget the nominees! Andre Iguodala is your winner. Andre come up here and get your prize.

Andre: I'd like to thank myself for being an elite player. I'd also like to thank my x-ray glasses, and massive man parts

Alan: Well said Andre. Thanks for coming out. Drive home safe. And let's get some runs!


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