"Where is my super suit?!"
In what might be one of many fictional open letters to players/coaches/management or possibly just a one-shot dealie, I start the series with a little note to the mysterious man who hangs out sometimes on the Sixers bench.
Dear Francisco Marinho Robby Elson,
How's it going? Good, good. I enjoy watching you from the bench when CSN goes to shots of Eddie Jordan dumbfounded, licking his braces. I hope for your sake that your hernia heals quickly and you get back on the court at some point. While most people view you as a contractual throw-in, I think you're capable of being a cornerstone of this franchise for years to come. Let's look first, however, at what CBS Sports Fantasy Analysis said about your value this past week:
Elson hasn't had any Fantasy appeal this season and should remain on waivers in all formats.
Easy CBS, you're totally harshing my mellow. I, however, don't trust a network nor their fantasy product that didn't renew The Class for a second season. How am I gonna find out if Ethan and Kat ever hook up now?! (Internet dollar to anyone who actually watches that clip) If you look closelier at your stats, you will see something that the media does not want anyone to see.
On a chilly January evening in Milwaukee, you dropped 10 points, 12 rebounds, and 5 steals on Sacramento's A, leading the Bucks to a 2 point win. The only other Sixer to pick up a double-double with 5 steals in a game this season? Jrue Holiday. Last game. Can you say tandem? [TAN-duhm] You two should be a force for years to come, and at only 34 years young, you still have worlds of potential yet to be tapped into. If your hernia problems still have you downtrodden, let's check out what Frank Madden at Brew Hoop said about your play on that fateful night.
Let's savor the other Dutchman's 12 rebounds, five steals, two blocks, and 10 points in 35 minutes. Elson's a better face-up defender than Gadzuric...More importantly, Elson helped the Bucks dominate the boards, grabbing six of the Bucks' 18 offensive rebounds...Offensively, Elson came out aggressively by drilling a turnaround from the left side the first time he touched the ball.
If you aren't the solution to our woes, then by gum I don't know what is. Screw a high pick, screw tankapalooza, and screw missionWTF. We have you, Francisco Elson, and that means we can win a championship THIS YEAR. If Eddie doesn't realize we're mathematically eliminated, it must not be true. What is mathematics anyway? Probably another Health Care bill, and we all know how that's going amirite?!
In conclusion, spray some Windex on your hernia and demand that Eddie Jordan put you in the game for at least 40 minutes a night. You are 7'0 tall. You are Dutch. You look like Frozone from The Incredibles. You are the present. You are the future. You were drafted 6 picks ahead of Todd MacCulloch. You are the savior of the franchise. Help me Francisco Marinho Robby Elson, you're my only hope.
If after having read this, you're asking yourself "what was the point?" don't worry -- you're not alone.